I don't want to lose control

I'm scared of roller coasters not because I am afraid to die. I am not scared to sit on those chain-connected-coasters-with-mind-boggling-speeds that go loop over loop just because of death. Death may mean the end of it all. It may mean the end of me. But death is nothing compared to losing total control. Death is nothing compared to losing one's own self. I'd rather die than lose control... I'd rather die than lose myself bit by bit.

Being in a roller coaster is like falling - head first - madly in love. Once you're there, you lose sense of what's right and wrong. You lose your mind. You have no say in anything anymore. All you can do is get ridiculously scared for your own fate, and hope that the ride wouldn't be as bad as most people say it would be. All you can do is watch yourself fall down, get back up, and fall back down once again. You can't do anything when you get thrown into this annoying circle of excitement and fear. You have no control over how fast you are going. You just have to break all the ties. You just have to allow yourself to have fun and get hurt... repeatedly.

And I am scared of roller coasters because I am not ready to break all the barriers yet. I am not ready to lose my mind. I'm not ready to hand my fate over to the endless cycle of happiness and pain. I am not yet ready to lose every piece of my heart. I'm not ready to get broken down. I am not ready to fall in love.

I want to see this movie: 500 Days of Summer!

From Moviefone: This is a story of boy meets girl, begins the wry, probing narrator of '500 Days of Summer,' and with that the film takes off at breakneck speed into a funny, true-to-life and unique dissection of the unruly and unpredictable year-and-a-half of one young man's no-holds-barred love affair.

Tom, the boy, still believes, even in this cynical modern world, in the notion of a transforming, cosmically destined, lightning-strikes-once kind of love. Summer, the girl, doesn't. Not at all. But that doesn't stop Tom from going after her, again and again, like a modern Don Quixote, with all his might and courage. Suddenly, Tom is in love not just with a lovely, witty, intelligent woman - not that he minds any of that - but with the very idea of Summer, the very idea of a love that still has the power to shock the heart and stop the world.

Release Date: July 17, 2009
Trailer

Pride Parade 2009

Some of my favourite shots:

I like how one of them is looking straight at my camera.

I bet he will have sore feet at the end of the parade.

mhmmm... colourful.



I really have a way of catching people's attention so I can take their picture.

Scary facial expression. =s

I love her banner!

She looks familiar. I'm not sure why.

I'm so getting those balloons one of these days. They look awesome!

Overall, it was just a fun day. Although it was raining for the first few hours we got there, it was still worth the trouble. From people unafraid to literally just bare it all out (when this happened, my mom just screamed and laughed so hard. It was funny and unusual to see her like that. ), to hot seductive gay men (who had breathtaking bodies), to hot lesbian girls (you would wish they were you're girlfriends, seriously), to gay couples (who just seemed really inlove), to moms just happy to have trans kids, the paraders we witnessed today were so varied and inspirational in many great ways that that for sure won't be my first and last time.

Happy Pride Day everyone!

Animalistic Drive

Nooo, I'm not shallow. I don't really care how you look like for as long as you're not some insensitive dofus who only cares about your own needs. I am out for some soul-searching my friends. I need someone passionate. Someone I can carry out a deep conversation with. I don't need another pretty face. I'm looking for my soul mate. I am looking for that one person who would be willing to spend forever with me. Love is no game folks. No fooling around. Just some true loving.

Uhm... o-kayyy?! Who am I kidding? For one thing, commitment at this point in my life is a big NO. I even get restless just by staying at one spot for more than 30 minutes. I am always on the go. Life is about having fun. I'm young. I have all the opportunities in the world. I do what I want. I'll worry about Mr. Right 7 years later when I find that everyone else are also in the hustle to get married. At this point, it's all about the lust. It's all about giving in to temptation. It's about carnal satisfaction. It's about building experiences. And it's about the DRAMA. Because seriously, we all thrive on this. Or at least I can honestly say that I thrive on it. Drama makes everything in life more interesting. Without it, life would just be plain boring and ahhh... BORING.

So I am still allowed to be shallow. I am allowed to look at someone and judge that person based on looks alone. I am allowed to like a guy just for his six-packs. Right now, my animalistic side stirs the game. It's about physical attraction. Plain looks... I don't care if you're a total jerk or not.

Hence, I present to you my current delusion err inspiration:

Robert Buckley

Waaaaa, I can't breathe.

Summer Playlist

1. I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
2. Day N' Nite - Kid Cudi
3. You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
4. Gimme Sympathy - Metric
5. Seriously - Crosby Loggins
6. She Is Love - Parachute
7. Take Me On The Floor - The Veronicas
8. Eet - Regina Spektor

Hook up with these summer songs! :)

Intoxicated

Last night, I had to fight insomnia once again. But really, it was more like fighting with you.

I hit the bed at around 11 at night. Yet my mind stayed awake until 2 in the morning. Memories of you played on endless repeats in my mind. I couldn't make them stop. I didn't try to make them stop. I wanted you to be my last thought before I fall asleep. So, I tossed and turned, and searched for comfort from cold pillows. I got up several times, and went back to bed constantly wishing I'd find you hiding beneath the blankets. But I couldn't find you anywhere. All I had were obsessive thoughts. All I had were fantasies.

I got myself a hot tea, and hoped for some temporary warmth that would last for the night. But that didn't give me the warmth I needed. It was too fake. It was such a die-hard imitation. I needed much much more. I needed the real you. I needed your arms wrapped tightly around me.

It was just really hard to stop thinking of you. You are like this dark chocolate I can't seem to get enough of. The more I try to resist you, the more my mind longs for more. You just have the right mix of edge and sweetness that makes me so addicted to you.

The rest of the night consisted of lame attempts to get rid of you. I tried to think about other things. I thought about high school, my friends from back home, past relationships, travel, etc. Anything that didn't have you in it. But there were always holes in my loop of thoughts. Everything led me back to you.

Eventually, I surrendered. I gave myself permission to continue thinking of you. And by the time my mind gave in to exhaustion, I settled on to one memory. I thought about that one night I caught you staring at me. Your eyes looked straight into my soul and told me that I'm not as I delusional as I appear. And the jade in your eyes told me that my heart is just in the right place. It told me that my heart is exactly where it's supposed to be. That you are the only one for me and I am the only one for you.

...and as my last conscious thoughts of you slowly faded, I eventually found myself in dreamland. I dwelt in unconsciousness. I conquered insomnia... but I know... I know that there was still this big part that remained to think of you.

: For Gavin

What If I Used To Be A Lesbian Would You Still Date Me?

While a number of people are now becoming more lenient towards gay people, there are still those who consider homosexuality a profanity. The Christian church has taught us that God only created male and female, and no in-betweens. Therefore, it is a sin to be neither. But sociologists tell us that gender is not acquired, it is learned. Although biology plays a major role in a person's development, society is just as vital. How do you expect a boy to grow up as man if all his life he has only been acquainted with girls? It's not really fair to ask someone to man up just because he has a penis. We all have the right choose. Besides, it's not like gay people are hurting anyone. How can this world get better if we have to judge everything we see that's out of the norm?

I was just surfing around the internet, when I found this touching article on glamour.com. It's about how a used-to-be-lesbian mustered all her courage to tell her boyfriend of her past life. Here's a snippet of what she said:

I asked him to just let me say everything I needed to and then he could say whatever he wanted. So I told him everything. I said it all, like everything I told you and all the details in between, too. It felt really good and also really scary. I tried to make it clear that I wasn't just curious or anything, that I really like him. And that I'm really attracted to him. I told him that all this is why I never really talk about my past relationships and my family. He stayed totally quiet and just listened to me.

After like an eternity of talking, I finally asked him what he was thinking. He has these light blue eyes and he just looks right into you. I was looking into them and I swear, I swear, this is exactly what he said: "As long as we're sharing, I'm in love with you." Full Story Here

After reading her story, I was just so happy that I had this big smile plastered on my face for a good 3 minutes. If you ask me, this is what I would call love. Love means loving someone in spite of her past. You love a person just for the way she is. Whether she was once a lesbian... is a lesbian... regardless of gender. You are not going to try and change that person just for your own selfish pleasure. Just because she was once gay that doesn't make her any different. She is still the same person you fell in love with.

So cheers to love and cheers to people’s right to choose!

Breathe Me

Credit: Lauren Rabbit

The only thing left for me to do now is cry.

My vanity has been scathed vehemently. I have been torn apart, from the inside and out. I can no longer see the face that once was mine. I was never perfect, but I still loved what I had. I loved my every flaw - the dark circles that sometimes log beneath my eyes, my unshaven eyebrows, the red puffs from blemishes, the clogged pores and blackheads - every single thing that completed my image as a social being. I loved participating in such an interactive world; where physical attraction mattered highly. I loved the shallow society. I loved reflecting vanity through my eyes. And with all the truths I lived by slowly fading, I find myself struggling in this newfound abominable community. I am simply lost.

Karma has exploded unexpectedly into my life. I usually look into the faces of strangers and search for obvious deformities. I gave myself the right to judge others, but I've always refused to acknowledge any critique. To me, I was close to perfection. If vanity had a name, I would be it. But even vanity is slipping away. I am slipping away. What I have left are bottles of solid insecurities and self-pity.

My last solace is to just mourn over my ill-fated situation. I can never look at myself the same way again. The shards of arrogance I used to hold are now replaced with red blotches and yellow-crusted flesh. I make myself sick... I will probably make you sick. And I'm scared. Scared that people would see me the way I used to see everyone else. I'm scared that no one will love me because I'm damaged, and ugly.

So there's nothing else I can do now but cry... cry for the staggering ego I once bore that has brought me to this place.

Opus: Breathe Me by Sia

Bleeding Heart

Blood is oozing out of my skin, trickling down the imperfect curves of my fingers, leaving behind traces of the injury. The ugly cut has painted my flesh purple and green. My wrist looks horribly carved by the dull knife. It bears grisly strings of overlapping lines. And the bruises are on fire. Hell has franchised a throne in my body. I would scream if I could, but something is wrong with my vocal chords. Something is wrong in the processing of the messages in my internal system. Something is wrong with me.

I don't want to move. That would only wear out my strength. I just want to sit here, with my arms wrapped around my knees, and drown in my own blood if possible. I'm usually a fighter. I fight until there's nothing left. But what's the point when every part of me is stained by an untreatable malady. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to give up, and let the sun eat me alive.

My heart is broken. My heart is gushing out poison. It's corroding the assembly of my organs. It's killing me slowly.

Opus: Bleeding Heart by Acceptance

I'll Keep Your Memory Vague

I still listen to the playlist you sent me. Even though every song found in there reminds me of you. And even though remembering you hurt so bad... In my life, feeling pain is just next to breathing; it happens naturally and I'm use to it. So when you left, I simply allowed questions to float. I let you go, and I watched you leave.

The moment you became part of me, you filled in a missing gap where others have chosen to surrender. It was summer when you entered into my life. You arrived during my favourite season. You were once my favourite person. And I thought I was your favourite girl. You gave my summer a special kind of bliss I never experienced before. You were my lover. But much more than that, you were my best friend. I gave you my heart - every piece of it. I gave you my mind. I offered you my soul. I gave you everything I've never given to anyone before. I presented to you the highest form of submission. I was all yours... even when you didn't deserve me.

You were my Summer Fantasy. You're still my Summer Fantasy. When you left you took a piece of me. I've given up that piece for you to toss or keep. I know I'll never be the same without you. But I'll still keep breathing. I'll breathe in spite the sudden tremors of my heart. I'll breathe because I know I can still live without you.

Summer is here again. Summer came without you. But I'll be okay. I'll keep listening to your playlist until I numb the ache. And I'll breathe until it would no longer hurt to remember.

Opus: I'll keep your memory vague by Finger Eleven

: For Larry

Illegitimate

No, I'm not okay... even when I sometimes say I am.

I often give myself a pat on the back just because I haven't surrendered to drugs and alcohol. My family is dysfunctional in every way, but like what my friends tell me I turned out alright. I'm normal. By normal I guess it means: I don't do too badly in school, I seem to have a sense of direction with my life, and I have never considered suicide. Life has been crazy and awful, but I never gave up. I will never give up... Life is a war. You have to fight for things that matter before you lose them forever. I'll keep fighting for my sanity. I'll never give up... but that doesn't mean I am okay. I'll never be okay.

The first time I heard of the word mistress. I was fascinated by it. It sounded fancy. It was one of those big words that most adults I knew frequently used. One of the big words in the adult world that somehow slipped by into my seven-years-old world. It was with that one word that everything in my life changed. It was from that point that I sugared all the dirty truths with lies.

People think I'm okay because that's what I let them see. But no, I'm not okay.

Sobriquet

I hate being an outsider.

I hate looking at them knowing I'll never be part of their group. I hate looking at my half-siblings knowing they're not even aware of my existence. I hate how I have to look at them with so much longing... filled with great hope... insistently wishing that maybe, one day I wouldn't have to be invisible anymore.

Jake.
I was with my mom when I first saw him. I was 14 and he was 16. I didn't know who he was, not until he got off the bus and my mom told me everything I needed to know about him. To me, that day meant everything. I had the chance to open another door that led towards my estranged self. To him, that day meant nothing. I was just a stranger... am still a stranger. That's all I ever was... ever will be?

Hannah.
I attended my cousin's graduation for two reasons. One being, I wanted to be there for her. She's one of the few people I trust. One of the few people who have seen me through my different facades. Second, I knew my half-sister was going to be there. I wanted to see Hannah. My curious nature wanted assurance; that like me she is real. Or that I am real because she is real.

Hannah and Jake. The rest are nameless.
It's pointless to remember names when you can't even put a face to it. A name is just one of those fake barriers we put on ourselves. I can be Anna today. Martha the next. I can be called anything, but that will never describe how I am like as a person. When my dad told me I have 7 half-siblings, and he gave me their names, I discarded the information as soon as it landed in my short-term memory. What's the use of names when I don't even have the faintest clue of how they look like. Call it a lack of imagination. But I don't need security from people I haven't seen.

It's father's day today. My dad's name is Chris. My mom used to call him Richard. Maybe his full name is Chris Richard. I'll never know because I never really got the chance to know him.

Happy Father's Day Chris Richard! Chris... Richard. Whatever your name is.