A trajectory turn

I wear my scars as if they are my medals. As if everything you need to know about me is reflected through them. As if life gets its meaning from my battered and miserable past.

"Human condition makes us want to share only the best of ourselves, because we are always searching for love and approval." - The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

We edit our thoughts and feelings a lot more than we should; because we are all secretly scared that the truth might accidentally flow out of us, that the judging bright lights would then eagerly reveal our ugly imperfections to the rest of the world. And then, everyone will realize that we are not as brave as we often claim to be. And that like everyone else, we are just as needy and delicate as newborns are.

The more we learn about what's around us, the more we realize that we get more than one option, and so we learn to take fewer risks. Because it is often easier to let things pass us by, than to let go of something by choice. And it is just so much easier to take pride over things that ended up the way we wanted them to, than to take responsibility for those that didn't. We like to pamper our egos as much as we can, because we all know how difficult handling a bruised ego can be.

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Writing scares me at times because words often have a life of their own. They tend to help me unravel a part of myself that even I am not aware of, and they often lead me to a place where I've never touched before. And words sometimes add on to the wall I've been building, and they sometimes shatter it down. I just have no control over them; they are the ones who put out the commands. I am merely their medium.

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And I am beginning to see that giving up a part of me is not such a bad thing. That it's okay to be hated every now and then. That it's okay to accept change into my life. That it's okay to lose certain things. That it's even okay to stray away from the beliefs I've grown up with, and create new ones along the way.
In the past years I have been so afraid of change because I was worried that the people I care about will leave the moment they realize that I'm no longer the person I once was. I wasn't ready to give up everything I've worked hard for. But now, I see that the ones really worth keeping are those who continue to welcome me into their lives even after the several failures I have had at finding my true self. And now I see that starting all over again does not mean leaving all of your old self behind, it only gives us an opportunity to change for the better.
And Yes, 'the only constant thing is change.'

I often plan my tomorrows, thinking that it would be best to know which roads I'd have to take, what are waiting for me, and what I could do to avoid likely disasters. I hate not knowing. And I hate not having control. But planning the future is like shooting a moving target. You could only hope you're running fast enough to be able to hit it right on the dot.
And now, I finally see that there's really no point in planning for something that might never even come. What we can do is plan for the present times. To live our days as if every second counts. Because we only really get one chance, and it's either we give our all to love today, or to completely say goodbye to it.

And it's so much easier to say things than to actually act on them. Because words help us create a world much better than reality. Words can turn us into beautiful, wiser, and braver individuals. And staying in that perfect world is like finding a well in a dry desert. You would want to stay there, and forget about the thirst; to forget about everything else.