Her Appetite for Love

The taste of fish still rolls around my tongue, leaving traces of my earlier attempts to get over this phase of life. The flavour of sea had fastened itself to the walls of my mouth. Reminding me of how desperate I've been. How desperate I was to get rid of that familiar smell of you that follows me everywhere, desperate to find some sort of distraction, and just desperate at appearing less desperate.

I don't even like sushi. And I like taking my time when it comes to food, especially great food. But I mouthed everything as if it's been days since I have last eaten, as if food will leave my sight forever if I don't hurry up. It didn't matter that I had to eat something I don't normally eat. It didn't matter that I wasn't really giving myself time to breathe. It didn't matter because it was an issue of necessity. I had to do it or I would have broken down once again. It doesn't matter because my blood-pump still calls for help, and this is its only shot at survival.

Tell me what do you think of me now

That I’ve traded all my armour for a crown

Come on what do you do with me now

That I’ve taken down the mirror on the wall

And the sweet rain is ready to fall

Giving it up for you - Holly Brook

It's insane. It seemed like my stomach knew exactly what it had to do, that it had to stretch endlessly for this one time. With words unspoken, it just understood my internal demands. It knew how hard everything is at the moment, and it's helping me cope up with the change.

I have given myself a week to analyze loopholes, and to embrace the different faces of pain. A whole week to tirelessly talk about you to people I know. A whole week to make sense out of everything, why this happened and not that; why giving up is better than trying. A whole week to publicly write about you, in spite the dangers it poses. I've given myself this whole week because although I'm sure it would take a lot longer than this to get over you; this is a good start. So the stench of seaweed can linger as long as it wants. Until it finds a way to dull out my senses, until memories fade into a blur, until I'll learn to think of you less and need you less.

Nothing makes sense

What are you trying to do right now?
You're evading me, you're moving on
you're moving way too fast.
Is this what you want?
To leave me out here in the cold,
barely hanging on to memories
that never really existed.
And do you actually care
as much as you say you do?
I'm putting up this fake smile
just so you'd think I am alright;
and you don't even seem to notice.
Are you just going to let us die?
I thought we have agreed
that this is our common ground,
that it's better if we stand here,
than fall off the edge of uncertainty.
I don't understand this at all.
Do we really have to let go
if you say what we have is worth it?

He says it better than I can

You think I'm doing this to be romantic. Standing in public spaces and airing my heart out, oxygen in the blood and all that never was. I'm not doing it to be romantic. I'm doing it because it's fucking necessary.

From: I wrote this for you.

It ends here.

 I'm on the road
To who knows where?
Look ahead, not behind
I keep saying
There's no place to go
Where you're not there
On your rope, I hold tight
But it's freeing 

Prodigal - One Republic

I'll wait until reason walks side by side with the music, until my mind finds a way to block every distraction and focuses on the rhythm alone. I'll wait until I am one with the song, and the message that lies behind it no longer bothers me. I'll wait until everything here makes sense. Until I am convinced that you are definitely worth the sacrifice. That not a word was wasted when I tried to explain what you mean to me. Because when it comes to love, we each have the right to interpret and express it according to our own chosen way. Regardless how ridiculous, corny, out-dated, or complex it would appear to other people.

And for what seemed like the first time in several years, in spite the heartache that went along with it, I felt real.  The pain has taught me what it's like to have a purpose in this world; how amazing it feels when you recognize that you are capable of caring for someone other than your own. That although you'd want nothing else but to keep your heart safe, you'd much rather see that that other person is holding out his end just as well as you are, or better. Because suddenly, you realize that the best kind of happiness depends on the happiness of those you care about.

We have agreed to surrender ourselves to the game, without declaring anyone the winner. We have agreed that it's better to keep things the way they are. Because the odds haven't been on our side, right from the start. Because it's better to evade from what we feel than to lose each other for something so uncertain. Because there's no need to hurry, what's meant to be is meant to be. Let fate unravel itself to us. And I'll wait until I am one with the song... until fate is one with me.

Don't call me baby

All persons entering a heart do so at their own risk. Management can and will be held responsible for any loss, love, theft, ambition or personal injury. Please take care of your belongings. Please take care of the way you look at me. No roller skating, kissing, smoking, fingers through hair, 3am phone calls, stained letters, littering, unfeeling feelings, a smell left on a pillow, doors slammed, lyrics whispered, or loitering. Thank you.

From: I wrote this for you.

Everything's going to be okay

If you truly love something, let it go, it'll come back if and when the time is right.”
Katie Schrimsher

He taught her how to live today

She surrendered herself to the magic

laced beneath the world of language;
allowed her feelings to translate
and her heart to dictate.

The moment she blew
her dusts of love into the sky,
she's already heard of the fire-breathing dragon
that could turn her passionate words into
hollow intentions and meaningless whispers.
...the moment she found the tails of the rainbow
she was aware that her pot of gold
could turn into standard copper
with just a touch of her fingers.

She knew the dangers
she was getting herself into.
She knew that running too fast
could sometimes land you to a fatal blow.

The moment she told him
he's everything she ever hoped for,
she knew night could easily paint
her blue sky to pitch black;
and she knew she could lose him
right then and there.

But she also know that, sometimes,
we have to set our fireflies free
and watch after the trails they leave us with.
So we could think to ourselves that at one point,
we held their light, while they embraced our dark.

Not everything ends up
exactly how we want them to,
but everything turns out
exactly the way they should be.

I surrendered myself to him,
and got back what I just needed:
my life to live.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

I hear black, I see white noise

It's now hard to keep track of what's important and what's not. The world I used to know is sliding past my oily fingers: shifting contours, encouraging distrust, turning pleas of hope to white noise... and everyone seems to be in a hurry, it seems wrong to request time to slow down. I am not sure if I still have the right to take things slow. It looks like I am left with only one option: to immediately adjust to this fast-paced society. There's no time to second-guess my heart. No time to wait around for love. It's time for doubt to leave.

But doubt is, oftentimes, my only friend. When the truths have given me nothing but heartaches, and lies have only given me empty promises, doubt is the one thing that keeps me together. Doubt understands my unwillingness, and allows me to give up only those pieces not that hard to sacrifice. Whereas truth is more severe, and insists I abandon the ones I can't live without. While lies only manage to satisfy me for a short while, and shatter every part of me the moment reality reappears.

I consider a few people my friends. I turn to them when life refuses to treat me fair, when I couldn't make sense out of anything anymore, when my mind evades reason, when I need to validate my worth... when I need to know that I'm never alone. I turn to them, because although I'd like to assume I can face life on my own, I still need someone to cheer me on, someone to constantly tell me that I'll be okay, that this too will pass.

But with everything around me moving so fast... anyone can just come and go whenever he or she would want to. I can no longer tell which ones are worth keeping.

We have been taught that love hurts so we have learned to walk away from our hearts, that nothing good will come out of lying but we have to keep a part of the truth to ourselves for the sake of self-preservation, that we have to hold our feelings back but to continue moving swiftly.
We have been taught a million different things, and I no longer know where to lay my trust on.

This world is moving too fast. Everything is just a blur. Maybe if we slowly slow down, we'd finally see the treasures that have always been staring us in the eyes. Maybe if we slow down, we'll find love again.

One day you'll stand again

Move on and forget.
Let the pain flow;
let the pain go.

Set yourself free,
look around you
and you'll see
that not
everything
is tainted.

The sun
will continue to smile.
Colours
will continue to shine.
And strangers
will keep our hearts warm.

Move on and forget.
No matter how hard
it would seem.
No matter how much
of yourself you'd need
to surrender.

Move on and forget.
Rise up, and be brave
do whatever it would take
to erase the hurt.
Do whatever it would take
to find yourself again.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

Lull me to sleep

Rock a bye baby
I'll sway you 'til you sleep
close your eyes
and we'll say goodnight.

Dream of little fairies
ask them for a wish
wish and pray that someday
you will find true love.

Rock a bye baby
life is better when you're young.
Rock a bye baby
Just sleep tonight.

06/08/09
© iris@journalsofanaddict.june2009

And you're my silver lining

Oh, tell me what am I feeling
Oh, it's hard to explain
Like underwater breathing, swimming in rain

Breathing Underwater - Marie Digby

Look close,
your face is changing.
Like most its only aging from all these tired tears.

Are we different - Priscilla Ahn

Say nothing, and I'll give you everything

Just like how I had to avoid bacon, after having had too much of it for the past couple of weeks, and just like how I was told to minimize listening to Boys II Men songs because I was showing signs of the love-song-effect syndrome, it seems like Jason has finally had enough of my constant whining and has decided to move on with life without me. Either 'too much' is just not enough or 'too much' has just become way too much.

So I may have mentioned several unnecessary and absurd little things to him. Although he insisted that he knows the value of pi, that its 3.1416, I chose not to listen and repeated the information to him over and over again anyways. I may have also accused him of stealing my bags of dairy milk, even though one night he hesitantly whispered he is lactose-intolerant. And I may have claimed to love the colour green when I actually prefer the shades of the cornflakes. And I may have praised him: that his hair looks magnificently glossy in the light, without really meaning it, just because I wanted him to compliment me. And it may seem like I have told him way too many things, when I have in fact kept all the good stuffs to myself. And it may seem like I loved him too much; although in reality, I never really loved him at all.

You say 'I love you' on your first date and you're suddenly considered desperate. You willingly share your feelings to the world, leaving you with an inadequate level of mystery, and everyone will think you're just an easy prize. And hence, they will put you last on their list.
At one point in our lives, when the smell of blood and the beauty of victory determine the game, we all yearn for things we can't have. We fancy those who are taken. We all play hard-to-get.

When I told Jason 'I may be falling for him', just like how Eric once told me that he wants me in his future, like a little kid who suddenly discovers that his favourite toy could actually talk, he runs away from it. Because once a mind starts to speak, the heart is always next. And once the fantasy of the unknown slips past our fingers, we eventually realize that there's no point holding on to the magic anymore. Once you get your answers, once doubt escapes the room, that's pretty much life's way of asking you to let go.

Love is strange, and she loves the strange

Romance can be risky, perplexing and filled with the perils of miscommunication -- and that's if you aren't ADAM, for whom life itself is this way. In this heartfelt romantic comedy, Hugh Dancy..Romance can be risky, perplexing and filled with the perils of miscommunication -- and that's if you aren't ADAM, for whom life itself is this way. In this heartfelt romantic comedy, Hugh Dancy (The Jane Austen Book Club, Confessions of a Shopaholic) stars as Adam, a handsome but intriguing young man who has all his life led a sheltered existence - until he meets his new neighbor, Beth (Rose Byrne, Damages, 28 Weeks Later, Knowing), a beautiful, cosmopolitan young woman who pulls him into the outside world, with funny, touching and entirely unexpected results. Their implausible and enigmatic relationship reveals just how far two people from different realities can stretch in search of an extraordinary connection. --© Fox Searchlight

Trailer

A trajectory turn

I wear my scars as if they are my medals. As if everything you need to know about me is reflected through them. As if life gets its meaning from my battered and miserable past.

"Human condition makes us want to share only the best of ourselves, because we are always searching for love and approval." - The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

We edit our thoughts and feelings a lot more than we should; because we are all secretly scared that the truth might accidentally flow out of us, that the judging bright lights would then eagerly reveal our ugly imperfections to the rest of the world. And then, everyone will realize that we are not as brave as we often claim to be. And that like everyone else, we are just as needy and delicate as newborns are.

The more we learn about what's around us, the more we realize that we get more than one option, and so we learn to take fewer risks. Because it is often easier to let things pass us by, than to let go of something by choice. And it is just so much easier to take pride over things that ended up the way we wanted them to, than to take responsibility for those that didn't. We like to pamper our egos as much as we can, because we all know how difficult handling a bruised ego can be.

~
Writing scares me at times because words often have a life of their own. They tend to help me unravel a part of myself that even I am not aware of, and they often lead me to a place where I've never touched before. And words sometimes add on to the wall I've been building, and they sometimes shatter it down. I just have no control over them; they are the ones who put out the commands. I am merely their medium.

~
And I am beginning to see that giving up a part of me is not such a bad thing. That it's okay to be hated every now and then. That it's okay to accept change into my life. That it's okay to lose certain things. That it's even okay to stray away from the beliefs I've grown up with, and create new ones along the way.
In the past years I have been so afraid of change because I was worried that the people I care about will leave the moment they realize that I'm no longer the person I once was. I wasn't ready to give up everything I've worked hard for. But now, I see that the ones really worth keeping are those who continue to welcome me into their lives even after the several failures I have had at finding my true self. And now I see that starting all over again does not mean leaving all of your old self behind, it only gives us an opportunity to change for the better.
And Yes, 'the only constant thing is change.'

I often plan my tomorrows, thinking that it would be best to know which roads I'd have to take, what are waiting for me, and what I could do to avoid likely disasters. I hate not knowing. And I hate not having control. But planning the future is like shooting a moving target. You could only hope you're running fast enough to be able to hit it right on the dot.
And now, I finally see that there's really no point in planning for something that might never even come. What we can do is plan for the present times. To live our days as if every second counts. Because we only really get one chance, and it's either we give our all to love today, or to completely say goodbye to it.

And it's so much easier to say things than to actually act on them. Because words help us create a world much better than reality. Words can turn us into beautiful, wiser, and braver individuals. And staying in that perfect world is like finding a well in a dry desert. You would want to stay there, and forget about the thirst; to forget about everything else.

Story of boy meets girl

It's been a week since I saw '500 Days of Summer', but scenes from the movie keep visiting my thoughts that it somewhat feels like it was only yesterday when the lives of Summer and Tom touched my heart. There are a number of reasons why I can't get their story off my mind. Let me start of by saying that the movie is not just a love story; rather, it's a story about love. The movie begins with Tom's frustrations after his break-up with Summer, and how he tries to relive their 500 days together to try point out where he went wrong. The movie goes back-and-forth: from the very first time they met, to days without Summer, and over again. What makes the characters so believable is the fact that in every relationship, we've all been Summers and Toms at one point.

Just like Tom, we know that break-ups could indeed feel like the end of it all. And sometimes, the only way to find peace is by obsessively thinking about that one person, and reminiscing past memories so you can dissect the things you may have missed or failed to do. Just like Tom, we know what it feels like to give your all and to only get your heart broken in the end. It's not easy. Some people just get stuck in their misery and never move on.

But there are also Summers in every relationship. The cynic: who is just afraid of love. Who wants to give love a chance, but holds herself back every time opportunity permits. Who isn't really sure of what she's looking for. But is at the same time, just waiting for the right person to assure her of things she's never certain of.

Aside from the connection we all get from Summer and Tom, the movie is composed of so many memorable scenes that you can't help but be drawn in to its every detail. One of my favourite parts is the 'expectations vs. reality scene'. We each have our own notion of what love is supposed to be like. We have come across people who have warned us of how difficult love can be, and how wonderful it could be at the same time. We usually base love on books we read, songs we listen to, and from movies we always see. We create ideals, and we tend to create expectations in our heads. And one day we just wake up, realizing that things never really turn out the way we want them to.

The movie 500 days of summer brings us back to the sometimes-forgotten-world of people we meet everyday. It helps us see the kind of love that real people share amongst each other - that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Some last, some just don't; and there are always awkward moments in-between.

I could go on all day talking about how wonderful this movie is. But before I ruin the movie for you, head to your nearest theatre and check if they have it. This is definitely worth your every penny. And if you're also a sucker for good movies, this one would surely top your list.

But before I leave, let me just share one line that I absolutely love:
Tom's best friend: "Robin is better than the girl of my dreams, because she is real."

Je veux dire juste merci vous.

And it's enough
to know that you'll always be there;
that you'll just be a call away
that no matter what happens
we'd find a way to make things work.

And it should be enough
to always hear your voice amidst
every song I listen to,
to see your smile every time
sleep pays me a visit,
to know you're soul still walks with me
even though you're far away.

And it should be enough
that I have you in my life,
that you're always there whenever
I'm in need of someone,
that I can go to you
when everything is just falling apart.

Because all you've done for me
is more than enough.
And I should just be grateful for what I have
than to keep wishing for things I don't.
Because you've done more than enough,
even at times when I didn't even deserve you.

And even though I don't show it enough,
I feel really blessed to have you in my life;
and thank you for letting me see
that nothing is ever worthless
and that everything in life
is worth our time.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

Reason can be poison

I'd rather not breathe if breathing now means inhaling memories of you and slowly slipping into this bleak hole of madness. I've already tried placing reason in front of the demands of emotion; but my heart's steering the game, and it won't let anything or anyone get in its way. All I see are the imaginary lines I've built: purposely holding me back to prevent any further damage. Thin white lines that point out the things you haven't done, and which make you less worthy for the chase. Because these flimsy lines are my excuse. I need something that will show me I am definitely doing the wrong thing that we are not meant for each other and what I'm doing is suicide. But whenever it seems like I've finally found my answer, life snatches everything away, and leaves me feeling more confused than ever. I am lost, and I'm no longer just tracing the paths of an unending cycle, I now breathe, taste, and live the cycle.

Opus: Use Somebody by King of Leons

The joke is on me

Isn't it funny how
you're only feeding me words
yet here I am thinking
you're bringing me flowers?

And how come I can hear you laugh
through this deafening silence,
and I see your smile
through this blinding darkness?

Also, tell me:
Why did I turn left
when you clearly said right,
and why did you go away
even after I begged you to stay?

Isn't it funny how
I'm seeing things
which were never there,
and I'm hearing you say lines
which were never spoken?

And why did you have to pretend
to walk towards me,
but turns the other corner
just when we're faces apart?

Seriously, why am I still here
waiting for you
when reason tells me to move on
since this is undoubtedly
breaking my heart?

Isn't it funny how
I can't simply get over you,
because I just can't,
and yet you don't even have to worry
about a single thing
because you don't need to worry
about getting over me?

Funny how the joke is on me.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

Something to hold on to.

I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Whether it's your shadow, a sign, an evidence
that what we shared was real,
that you were real
and if I am real
because you're a part
of my life.

Sometimes, it feels like
I'm chasing
a fading light -
just a flicker of hope -
the closer I get
the faster
and further it moves
away from me,
away from us.

I just need one thing
to hold on to.
One promise, one star, one heartbeat
to guide me
to the right path.
Because I don't know
if you're the one.
And I need to know
what I'm still waiting for.

So, please give me
something
to hold on to:
just say that one word,
that one line,
and let me see
that you could actually
be the right one.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

The Rules of Life

Maybe one day, I'll finally get the chance to brace life with no fear. Do impulsive things just for the fun of it. Get wild and crazy: dye my hair with colours of the rainbow, go bungee jumping, eat exotic foods (worms, cockroach, etc? Uhm, eww), climb Mt. Everest, crash someone's prom or some strangers' wedding, administer my own concert, get really really really wasted, and so on. As the cliché goes, 'We only get one life. We better make the most out of it.'

In as much as I want to do everything that comes into my mind there are, unfortunately, rules I still have to follow. Like what my mom always tells me, 'While you still live in this house, you have to do everything I say.' I believe in the relevance of rules. Rules help set the pace of our lives: when to speed up, and when to slow down. The only thing I hate about rules is that, they sometimes restrict me so much that in the end, I never know what to do anymore. In trying to conform to everyone else, I sometimes lose sense of self that I just end up confused and annoyed.

Rules can only do so much for us. Eventually, we have to let loose, and just let go. No one would want to stay behind bars for too long without wishing to feel the breath of the sun on their skin. Rules are good for us. But they also act as boundaries. And they sometimes limit us from reaching our true potential.

I understand my parents' concerns. I understand that they only want what's best for me. And I understand that they just don't want to see me get hurt. But pain is good sometimes. Failing in life is even not that bad. Losing everything you worked hard for is also just another part of life. We need to feel pain because pain helps us see the real beauty of happiness. We need to fail at least once, so the glory of success wouldn't cloud up our principles. And losing something helps us see the things we've always had, so we can be grateful for them.

What I'm trying to say is: I want to go out there and live life to the fullest, regardless of the aches and tribulations I might come across with, just because we all deserve to. But at the moment, I am tied down. It's a lame excuse, but right now, there are still things I can't leave behind. There are things I have to sort out, for myself and for those around me. And when I leave, I want to leave with a peaceful heart.

So maybe one day, I'd finally find the courage to do everything I want to do. And who knows, maybe that's just one year or two years down the road. But one day, it's definitely going to happen. I'm just waiting for the right timing. ;)

Main message: Don't be afraid to break the rules. Just always make sure you are aware of the consequences.

Just a boy

You're just a boy:
I could easily replace you with another,
if I want to.

You're just a boy:
with dreams yet to happen,
with a heart as scarred
and broken as mine.

You're just a boy -
no different than every other boy -
who has stolen pieces of me
and doesn't even know it;
who is breaking my soul bit by bit
and can't even do anything about it.

Because you're just a boy:
you're in need of someone to fight for you
as badly as I need someone to stay with me.
And you are as scared of love,
as I am of losing you.

And you're just a boy:
I can't leave even if I'd want to.
Because you're the one and only boy
I can give myself to.
The only boy who got
this close to my threshold,
and who won my heart
without trying to.

You're just a boy:
I could easily replace you with another,
but I just don't want to.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009