Heart's Confusions

It usually feels like I've done too much already. It feels like I have given more than enough of me. It feels like I should stop insisting myself on you. It would be wise for me to just give up, because there's simply no chance. In as much as I want to trust in the possibility that you echo my heart's desires, you have said nothing to confirm that. So how else can I go on? Why should I linger here still? As what my loving mom tells me, I got to move on. The grass is greener on the other side. I have to accept that you are not the one.

But somehow, I can't bring myself to raise the white flag. Because even though I am constantly hurting in the unknown, I must push through and hear you say the words. In spite the signs I've been getting, and in spite everyone else asking me to hold back, I need you to tell me that you don't feel the same way. Because unless you tell me yourself, I'll never really know. And right now, half of the odds are on my side. And that fact is all I need to keep going.

The truth is, I get easily swayed by what other people tell me. It scares me every time they confirm the fears I continue to deny from. It scares me every time they tell me I am starting to get paranoid, and needy. It broke me down when my mom told me I'm losing my mind. How can I not be scared when all this time, I've been trying to convince myself that being irrational is only part of liking someone? That I am excused for my obsessive thoughts. That all these are symptoms of falling in love. We all get a little crazy when we love someone, right?

But still, I know I've put on so much already. I don't think I've ever done anything like this in the past. I am uncovering every breakable piece. I am very slowly, letting every guard down. I have let you in, where others have tried but couldn't get close.

My mom is right; I am slowly losing my mind. I have been doing ridiculous things all for the sake of discovering what you may feel for me. And being in this state of vulnerability scares me more than anything else in the world.

What if my heart gets crushed after the fall, what then? I'm really scared. But I have to keep pushing through. It's never enough until I get the answers I'm looking for.