I just want to hold you.

Change has been my escape. Familiarity has never been my thing. I welcome the strange, the unusual, and the new. I am use to movement. I am use to the unpredictable flow of life. I could welcome the world today and say goodbye to it the next day. Over the years, I've learned to build my relationships on once-a-year meet-ups, seldom phone calls, and constant e-mails. Having had more than 10 houses, being enrolled in 6 different schools, and moving from one continent to another in the past 18 years, have helped me master the tricky craft of being restless. I simply have no clue what it means to settle down. I am not really sure how to like something so much without getting tired of it eventually. And I am not sure how to like someone long enough to never ever get over him.

I get tired of clothes after wearing them twice or thrice. I get sick of listening to the same songs repeatedly for several hours. And just lately, I have abstained from cake just because it was showing a tendency of permanence. I have no actual favourites. Those ones good enough to even make it on my list have surely been marked off at least once. Life has taught me to only have my arms wide open for change. And in as much as I want to commit to something, I am not even sure how to or where to start. When all your life, all you've done was run away from things that matters; somehow, hints of stability become rather frightening.

All I know how to do is run away from my feelings. Whenever I find a love that's willing to stay with me, my heart immediately wraps around liberty. It can't bear the idea of letting someone tie a knot around it. I am scared that if I let someone gain power over me, I will no longer be able to go as I please. I will lose this domineering independence I possess, and once he sees past my disguises he will leave. And no one leaves me behind. I don't want to know what it feels like to constantly wait for someone to come back, even when you know they're gone forever.

I am scared to tell you how I feel because I'm scared that once I do, you will then matter less to me. I am scared because I'm not sure if I can change just for you. I am scared because I don't know how long I can stand feeling this way before my heart would start to itch and fly away again. And I am really scared because I really REALLY don't want to hurt you. But knowing my temperament, all I can give you are empty promises.