Writing is...

Writing is not just about stringing two words together and hoping you have made your point to the rest of humanity. Writing is about creating a life beyond words. To get a part of yourself known to the world. So that this place would be less confusing. It is about living your childhood fantasy. And excusing yourself from your everyday horrors. Whenever I write, I surrender a part of me. A part that speaks of the moment, my moments. Writing is my soul. It is my excuse and my disguise. I write to reveal a hidden persona. I write to hide all my dirty little secrets. I write because the world is a scary place, and my only peace lies within verses and rhymes. I write like my every bone and blood vessel could talk. I write as if it's the only thing I can do. I count my losses. I cherish my wins. I write about everything, but everything is not me. I write because I can, and pieces of me need to be understood. But I sometimes say things to cover up flaws. And I sometimes fabricate truths just so life would seem a little less tragic. Like everyone else, I claim to know what life is about, even when I actually only know the world I live inside my own head.

I write because my heart wants to talk and I couldn't shut it up. I write because I can't sleep at night, with all these voices consuming my every thought. I write because I was told life can be a little ridiculous, and someone needs to recount every boring detail. I write because my world pauses with words, and words fill in missing gaps, and I find answers through words.

As a kid, like every other kid in this materialistic society, I was raised to believe I must choose a profession where money is abundant. I should be a doctor. Or an engineer. Or a lawyer. Life depends on the sums of money you make every year. It depends on how fancy your car looks like; if you have the latest model or not. It depends on your designer clothes and shoes. We live in a world where greed and lust have become the main rules. And after years of trying to fit in, I finally realised that my world relies mainly on the love I find, and the love I could have.

Life is short. Everyone is going to push us on to something we're not. Everyone is going to try and change us just because they have nothing better to do. Money commands the game, but love is the soul and the beat of life. And I write because living life, and to do just that, is what I aim for. I want my experiences, and I want to keep writing about them. I don't mind getting hurt, because pain enables growth. I am going to fall over and over, but I'm not going to let that stop me, ever. And people can talk whatever the hell they want because this is my life, and they're not the ones living it. My pain will never be their pain. And they'll never feel the urgent beatings of my heart the way I do every time you're close by. They can pretend to know me, but they'll never really know, because I am my own person. And I'll keep writing until I give them enough to talk about.

Writing is my soul. Writing is my life. Writing is love. And I'll keep writing until time stops ticking, blood stops running through my veins, and life loses its meaning.

Heart's Confusions

It usually feels like I've done too much already. It feels like I have given more than enough of me. It feels like I should stop insisting myself on you. It would be wise for me to just give up, because there's simply no chance. In as much as I want to trust in the possibility that you echo my heart's desires, you have said nothing to confirm that. So how else can I go on? Why should I linger here still? As what my loving mom tells me, I got to move on. The grass is greener on the other side. I have to accept that you are not the one.

But somehow, I can't bring myself to raise the white flag. Because even though I am constantly hurting in the unknown, I must push through and hear you say the words. In spite the signs I've been getting, and in spite everyone else asking me to hold back, I need you to tell me that you don't feel the same way. Because unless you tell me yourself, I'll never really know. And right now, half of the odds are on my side. And that fact is all I need to keep going.

The truth is, I get easily swayed by what other people tell me. It scares me every time they confirm the fears I continue to deny from. It scares me every time they tell me I am starting to get paranoid, and needy. It broke me down when my mom told me I'm losing my mind. How can I not be scared when all this time, I've been trying to convince myself that being irrational is only part of liking someone? That I am excused for my obsessive thoughts. That all these are symptoms of falling in love. We all get a little crazy when we love someone, right?

But still, I know I've put on so much already. I don't think I've ever done anything like this in the past. I am uncovering every breakable piece. I am very slowly, letting every guard down. I have let you in, where others have tried but couldn't get close.

My mom is right; I am slowly losing my mind. I have been doing ridiculous things all for the sake of discovering what you may feel for me. And being in this state of vulnerability scares me more than anything else in the world.

What if my heart gets crushed after the fall, what then? I'm really scared. But I have to keep pushing through. It's never enough until I get the answers I'm looking for.

Promise in the Dark

by Keri Hilson



Listen

Cant count on you most of all when I really need it
Its the simple things that you do, really hurt my feelings
The more I try, the more Im starting to see it
This cant work anymore, than you believe it

Goodbye may come as a shock
Even though I love you a lot
Ive given every breath Ive got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

Listen

I just dont know what the problem is, what the deal is
Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldnt see it?
All these promises are probably how you deal with it
Im tired of hearing you say your innocent

Dont think I forgot
Because I really didnt care if youre lying a lot
Ive given every breath Ive got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

We all make mistakes
Sometimes we do desperate things
What does it prove? NOTHING
And you never do nothing wrong

Then what took you so long, took you so long
Cuz I keep, keep hanging on, keep, keep hanging on

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

So dont promise me
So dont promise me

Fairytale Ending: Part Two

Cause love is permanent not temporary
And it's driven straight into our chests,
then buried much too deep
to just pull out like weeds in a garden
:Permanent, Jason Reeves

I can't bear look you in the eye. I know why I'm here for. I'm supposed to surrender each piece of me to you right now. Yet somehow, the ounces of courage I saved up for this day seem to have faded away. I'm shaking all over. Why does it feel like I'm chasing a heart that's a million miles away from me? I have to gasp for air. I just have to stop, and think this over. Why am I here for again? I mean, why does doing the right thing feel so bad? Maybe this is not the right thing to do, maybe running away is. Maybe being here and considering this idea in the first place is the biggest mistake I'll ever do. I can still turn around. I can still act as if I don't need you. After all, I've lived all my life trying to act as if I couldn't care less about the world. Why stop now? Why should I let you be the one to change all that?

You're walking away. And all I could hear myself say is 'okay.' Although the voices in my head are shouting to make you stay. Although all I want to do is run towards you and hold you tight. I know I want, need, you. My heart is certain of it. But I'm too weak and too scared to completely lose control. I can't move. I can't bring out the words I've been meaning to say. I am a coward. I am an idiot; who's just hurting herself a hundred folds over only because she's too afraid to try, only because she's afraid to let herself love you.

Love. What is love? Love is a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness: American Heritage. Love is a warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion: Merriam-Webster. Love is an irrevocable feeling impossible to shake away. No matter how far I try to run away from it, it still finds me, and renders me vulnerable in the end.

I can still stop you. I can still run through the door and hold you in my arms for as long as I want. I can still declare my unrequited love. I can. But I'm not going to. Because somehow, I just couldn't move. My feet are glued, and my lips are sealed. All I can seem to do is watch you leave, and allow my heart to a torturous separation.

But seriously, just give me the word and I'm all yours. I'll jump if you jump.

Fairytale Ending: Part One

Here we are. On our own, at last. Just you and I. Away from the loud chatters and boisterous laughter. Away from the judging minds and curious eyes. Just you and I. Finally free to do whatever. Free to say anything. We are driving towards nowhere. All we got is each other, and your trusty car stereo. The windows are down, and the summer air feels perfect on my skin. The sun has just settled behind the clouds. I can see the gray undertones gently replace the trails of orange. The sight is magnificent. It looks as if Night has been patiently waiting for this very instant, and is very excited to reunite with Day. The change in colour reflects their loving conversation; as Night welcomes Day back into its arms. Everything feels and looks right. Unconsciously I say, "I love twilight, it's so beautiful." From the corner of my eyes, I see a smile creep into your face. And in an almost inaudible voice I hear you say, 'So are you.'

I suck in as much air as I could. We are stopping for a while to refuel. And as silence fills the air - no music, just the sound of neighbouring engines as they roar back to life, and friction between the asphalt and tires - I find my hiding intentions resurface my mind. I remember that I am here to clear things out. I am here to tell you everything. That I can no longer run away from my feelings. That 'love' may not be the right word yet, but I am pretty darn close to that stage. I am stuck more likely between like and love. My affection for you is strong but not strong enough to be able to say 'I can't live without you.' I mean, I'd like to think I can still live without you. I think I can. I am 80 per cent sure.

I don't really want to think about the remaining 20 per cent. I have the feeling that if I think harder, I might just lose balance and fall off the edge. The truth is, I believe that we can all move on if we try hard enough. We can all forget someone if we really really want to. It's just that, usually, even when memories hurt, we wrap our fingers around them anyway. We hold on to the pain because although it wasn't long-lasting, or it wasn't what we hoped for; at one point, everything felt real. At one point, it felt like we hit the jackpot. And sometimes, just that one moment is enough to last a lifetime. So I don't want to think about the imaginary line that's binding my sanity together. I know I can move on regardless, the question is if I'd want to.

You slide back into the driver's seat, and hand me a bar of Kitkat. You remove the foil off of your own bar, and start chewing the chocolate-covered-wafers. You give me a genial smile as you catch me staring at you. Then, as you expedite back to the main road, I can't help thinking how boring details seem a lot more interesting when you do them. A familiar tune suddenly blares on your stereo. It's a song by Coldplay. I would know because I simply adore them. It's 'The Scientist'. I can usually identify the titles of songs I like, but I'm hopeless when it comes to lyrics. "Questions of silence, silence and progress... I mean science and progress... Do not speak as loud as my heart... Tell me you love me, tell me you haunt me... Oh! Should be, come back and haunt me. Oh and I rush to the start... Running in circles, coming up tails. Heads on a science apart... Shoot. It's supposed to be silence apart", I sing out loud along with my embarrassing corrections. You try to muffle your chuckles but you fail, and decide to tell me, 'You always listen to this song, and I don't get how you never get the verses right. And you always repeat the same mistakes' You look amused, at the same time, you look just happy. I know I can never really tell what's going on in your mind. You may be secretly laughing hysterically right now and think I'm just an utter fool. Or I could be right and you are actually enjoying your time with me. I understand that we usually see what we want to see. But in the first place, why are you here with me right now? Why are you putting up with my ridiculous behaviours? And why drive for four hours just to get to where I am? I know all these could be nothing. But while we are both still wandering around uncertainty, all these could also mean something.

Stop

Back at one.

My guts are hurting. My chest is burning. I am damaged everywhere.

I need to pull myself out of this. Away from this addiction. Far from you. I need to bring myself together. Like what reason tells me, I need to move on. There's no point holding out for someone who'll never look my way. I have to stop wanting something I can't have. I need to break free from all the misread signals, ridiculous fantasies, and obsessive thoughts. I need to completely ignore the deranged hammerings of my heart. I need to let you go without adding shame on myself. I need to set you free with no mention of my absurd affection. Because after all, I still deserve so much more. I deserve a guy who would be brave enough to make the first step. I deserve to have a guy who shares what I feel.

But like always, my emotions are stubborn. It wants to take another plunge, and drown in the sourness of life. It wants me to take one more leap of embarrassment, and tell you that I'm crazy about you. It begs for one more chance. It begs to give you another chance. Because as slim as the possibility of you feeling the same way, somehow, in the deep recesses of my heart, I feel that your heart is in tune with mine.

You are the drug that is spoiling every piece of me. You are exactly what I was told to stay away from. You keep me sane, and you drive me mad. When I'm with you, I am blissful. When I'm with you, I forget about the world. And when you're away, I just feel so lost and helpless. When you're away, I have to fight off these irrational cravings to see you again. And every time I try to release myself from you, I bounce back and fall even deeper.

In this combat of reason versus emotions, I find myself stuck in the middle. I just can't decide. In as much as I want to walk away and pretend as if none of my preposterous feelings ever existed, I don't want to miss out on what could be something beautiful.

Help me decide. Or better yet, is there rehab for this kind of addiction?

Have mercy.

Opus: Consequence by Notwist

I asked for 3 signs

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One:
"A soul mate... that feeling won't ever go away. It isn't possible. I know this for a fact. He could be a million miles away, and trust me, he is feeling a deep, deep, deep longing in his soul for you, too. Whatever it is that is keeping you apart doesn't diminish the feelings. A soul mate is different from earthly love than can be changed by circumstance, time, age. It's very different." - pg. 328 Freudian Slip, Erica Orloff

Two:
"Why do we have to listen to our hearts?" the boy asked, when they had made the camp that day.
"Because wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."
"But my heart is agitated," the boy said. "It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and its become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I'm thinking about her."
"Well, that's good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say." -pg. 128

***
"My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horse. "It doesn't want me to go on."
"That makes sense," the alchemist answered, "Naturally, it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won."
"Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?"
"Because you will never be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world." - pg 129
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

Three:
"Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said I would
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again"
If It Kills Me - Jason Mraz

Therapy for the Self

Everything happens for a reason. We win, we lose, others survive, some just give up... we witness various plights in this so-called life because we need to. Because for each single thing that happens, each resounds with a purpose. Most of the times, we know the answers to our questions. No one else understands us - our internal conflicts, the twinge we feel on our skin, and the voices that haunt our sleep - better than our very own selves. So listen carefully to what you tell yourself. Listen to the certainty that hides beneath hesitation. The answer is usually staring us straight in the eyes; we just got to look deeper. You know you can get through anything. You just have to believe in yourself. It's all about confidence and pure faith. Just trust that you can, and you will.

I have avoided conversations that might remind me of you, because days are going by so fast, and courage is quickly slipping away. I have been trying to talk myself out of this, scared for what-could-be another loss. But recently, I found strength. I'm not sure how long this will last, but for now, I know I can do this. I know that telling you how I feel is the right thing. And I know that honesty will never do me wrong. I just hope this is not about claiming the prize, and trying to prove something for nothing. I was fine years before you came into my life, and I know I will still be fine regardless of how things will end between us. And although my heart is never really sure of anything, I know I have to make the jump anyways. Like I said, everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'll land with a broken heart. Or maybe I might just learn how exciting flying can be. No matter what, I know I'll get through.

It is all about cognitive thinking. You know the answers. I know the answers. It is will power, and we just got to listen.

A Mess

Even breathing is hard to do these days. To relax is no longer in my to-do list. All I hear are the amplified beatings of my heart - loud steady thumps that freeze my nerves in each execution. It's a pressing note of what's waiting for me: a hazy tomorrow, and an amateur confession.

The voice of tomorrow is calling me by name. It is taunting my agitation, and mocking my feeble attempts of moving on. It tells me I have no escape. It tells me that my only option is to walk forward with my head raised up high. All I can do is to saunter until I crash into a glass wall; and hopefully, the jagged pieces wouldn't penetrate through my skin and cause collateral injuries to my heart.

Sure, I already have had my fair share of broken hearts. I should, by now, know the effective and efficient ways of easing up the damage. But there are certain things that we just couldn't seem to get our heads around, no matter how pushy we try to be. I can have as many broken hearts a person is entitled to have, and still repeat the same mistakes. Because when it comes to love, I will still wholeheartedly give all of my bits and pieces to the very person who time after time breaks my heart, and I will always love as if it's the only thing I know how to do. Working with logic when it comes to emotion never prospers. In the end, you realize that you just have to deal. Eventually, you just have to admit that like everyone else, you also become a fool for love.

If we come down to it, I've never been sure of anything. Each time I try to unravel a mystery, I usually get lost WITH it. So finding love and losing my mind is just a natural thing. So as breathing hard, and having all my nerves shut down. Because love is erratic... and I'm simply delirious.

Opus: Body Urge - The Great Fiction

I just want to hold you.

Change has been my escape. Familiarity has never been my thing. I welcome the strange, the unusual, and the new. I am use to movement. I am use to the unpredictable flow of life. I could welcome the world today and say goodbye to it the next day. Over the years, I've learned to build my relationships on once-a-year meet-ups, seldom phone calls, and constant e-mails. Having had more than 10 houses, being enrolled in 6 different schools, and moving from one continent to another in the past 18 years, have helped me master the tricky craft of being restless. I simply have no clue what it means to settle down. I am not really sure how to like something so much without getting tired of it eventually. And I am not sure how to like someone long enough to never ever get over him.

I get tired of clothes after wearing them twice or thrice. I get sick of listening to the same songs repeatedly for several hours. And just lately, I have abstained from cake just because it was showing a tendency of permanence. I have no actual favourites. Those ones good enough to even make it on my list have surely been marked off at least once. Life has taught me to only have my arms wide open for change. And in as much as I want to commit to something, I am not even sure how to or where to start. When all your life, all you've done was run away from things that matters; somehow, hints of stability become rather frightening.

All I know how to do is run away from my feelings. Whenever I find a love that's willing to stay with me, my heart immediately wraps around liberty. It can't bear the idea of letting someone tie a knot around it. I am scared that if I let someone gain power over me, I will no longer be able to go as I please. I will lose this domineering independence I possess, and once he sees past my disguises he will leave. And no one leaves me behind. I don't want to know what it feels like to constantly wait for someone to come back, even when you know they're gone forever.

I am scared to tell you how I feel because I'm scared that once I do, you will then matter less to me. I am scared because I'm not sure if I can change just for you. I am scared because I don't know how long I can stand feeling this way before my heart would start to itch and fly away again. And I am really scared because I really REALLY don't want to hurt you. But knowing my temperament, all I can give you are empty promises.

Just Kiss Her

The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.
Emil Ludwig

A guy once made the mistake by asking me IF he can kiss me. Maybe he was just being a gentleman and didn't want to offend me by moving too fast. OR he was just being a coward and was scared I'll push him away.

So what did I say to the chicken? I didn't say anything. I couldn't make myself say anything. Somehow, it felt like a trick. I had to rephrase his question several times in my head. Would I want some stranger's lips touch mine? If I let him kiss me, what impression will that give? Why the hell is he even asking my permission for anyways?

I admire the fact that in a way he respected me. He cared enough to ask, and didn't advance himself when he could have. So, I think that that was kind of sweet. But at the same time, I just didn't know what to say. I wanted to say 'Yes', but it felt like saying yes would take all the excitement away. My mind warned me that if I gave him vocal permission, then the kiss wouldn't feel right anymore. I know. I know. I always make things complicated. I never really say things the way they run in my mind. I'm twisted in that sense... and I'm a girl. Yes, being a girl gives me the poor excuse to be indecisive. (No offense meant to the girl population)
And then, when I was finally on the process of giving him consent, he said the dumbest thing ever. He asked, 'Why? Are you shy?'

Here's the thing, and I'm NO expert, but just opinion-wise, here's what I think:

1. If a girl lets you take her out to see movies and whatnot, before she even agreed on a date with you, she probably thought of how it would be like if you give her a quick peck.
So don't be stupid and don't ask ridiculous things. Just kiss her.

2. I believe that the first kiss actually tells you how your relationship will go with that person. And I'm not just saying this because I watched 'Hitch' and the movie convinced me of the importance of first kisses. But you need to know if there's some sexual connection between you two, you know? So again, kiss her and melt her heart.

3. Don't be scared to steal a kiss from her. And when I say steal, I didn't mean to harass her with kisses. But find the courage to let her know what she means to you by the way you kiss her.

4. Kiss her passionately. Let every kiss take each of your breaths away. Give her a slow and enduring kiss. Kiss her because she matters to you, and not just because your hormones order you to.

...let every kiss take each of your breaths away.

Again, this is for the sake of saying what I need to say. I'm not speaking in behalf of the female species. I'm speaking in behalf of a world I know, and in behalf of the principles and values I live by.

Bottom point is, if you like someone... don't hesitate. Just do what you want to do. And maybe, MAYBE, the other person has also thought of doing the same thing.

Have a great week ahead of you.
xxxxooo,
iris

Paint Me Your Colours

I don't write with clear intents. I don't write with customary words. I write in strange concepts that only I can comprehend. I follow a rhythm. I listen to the beating of my heart and of your heart. I listen to the silent whispers that no one else hears. I admire the breaks amidst conversations. I hear nothing and write about everything. I judge the world for all of its flaws, while I remain immaculate. I see the pains you reflect through your eyes. Whenever your body screams with terror, my body also twitches in pain. I am your voice. I feel what you feel. I ache because you are broken. I write because the world is breaking bit by bit and I'm dying with it. No one gets me, and I don't understand you either.

We are all searching for a safe solace to rest our heads on in this confusing place. I am lost and I am looking for the soul that's supposed to walk along with my reflection. I've lost sense of self. We have all conformed to the usual, to the accepted, to the ordinary. We embody everyone, but have become no one. We create the nightmares we witness every night. All the lust, the pride, and wrath have turned us into our very own monsters. I trace the paths of a stranger when I should really carve my own footprints. I live inside the corners of my head, and have rejected the outside reality. I am messing up humanity as I continue to speak in tongues that nobody ever listens to.

We all need to just breathe and observe the steady rise and fall of our lungs. We have to appreciate the dull and boring details of life. We need to let go of our differences. We need to go out there, and try things with no fear. Life is about sensitivity and creativity. It's about pausing for the sound of white and seeing the world in many wonderful colours. It's about building identity through our own undertaking. We need to start a new language, paint the world in pink and green, echo the frenzied beats of the drums, bruise our hearts then laugh about it, chase the tails of a rainbow, taste the rain, smile at the sun and to JUST have fun with life. Life is sometimes crazy and awful, but it is still amazingly beautiful.

Why I'm No Longer Waiting For You

Because the only time I say something interesting is when I talk about you. And although I'm getting tired of keeping you the center of my life, it's not like I have any other choice.

So tell me, how can I not be scared when a few days from now, I'll finally have to let my heart do all the talking. I'd have to face the truths I've been running away from. I'd have to admit that 'Yes. Hell yes I'm crazy about you.' The thing is, all my life I've put on this brave act so people wouldn't see how vulnerable I actually am, and then you came and peeled off layers of fortitude I used to hold. With you in my life, I've become just another crazy girl crying over a love I will never have. With you in my life, I am breakable and insecure.

Rejection is not really the worst thing in the world. Waiting is. Not knowing whether you've made the cut, whether he also feels the same way, or whether he's going to come after you is what hurts the most. Those intervening gaps are the real heart-breakers. Anyone still has a shot at moving on after a rejection, but how can you move on when you don't even have the slightest clue of what's really going on. Waiting takes us out for this bumpy-and-ambiguous ride that often lands in misery. And what's really sad is that sometimes the moment passes us by and everything we once considered dear just loses all it's worth.

I've waited long enough for you to make a move. I'm not sure if you did, but regardless I was probably too blind to have noticed anything. Some people say actions speak louder than words. But in my case, I need assurance from the alphabets. You can't act as if I mean the world to you and not say anything. Otherwise, I'll never know what's real and what's not. I'm sick of this guessing game. I can't keep waiting for you. So if telling you what I feel would bring me to your elimination list, then so be it. I'd rather nurse my hurting hurt for the meantime and probably get a chance at being happy once again, than linger in the unknown and ache even more.

Love is No Fairy Tale

It's not that easy. I don't think I can still leave my heart unguarded - out in the open - with cold air swinging back and forth against it. I don't think it can handle any more the tension. I don't think I can stretch my heart any further. I have just barely enough parts keeping me together. My heart, although already broken, still took the risk and fell hard for you. If I take another chance and let my heart take another beating, even though courage promises to guide my way, I know that once everything between us fails I'll crumble. No matter how brave a person is, we are all weaklings when it comes to love. No matter how strong I'd try to be, chivalry will fade when you're gone.

I don't know how to tell you I'm crazy about you. I have already written down my script. I have made sure I have chosen the right words. I have premeditated all the in-between pauses. But when to say it? How to begin? How can I let my heart command the front line once again? What if I fail again this time? What will become of me? How can a heart already broken break down even more?
It's really not that easy. In as much as I want to know to whom your heart beats for, I'm not ready to surrender each of my aching pieces. So should I let the moment pass us by instead? Save my heart and let you go?

Patience is not my strong suite. I don't want to wait for a couple more tomorrows. I need to know that I'm not as delusional as I often think I am. I need to know that I am not the only one struggling with indecision. I need to know that you are also wired at nights with memories of you and me. I need to know even if it means sacrificing every sense of self-preservation.

I need to know because I don't want to remain like this. And I need to know because in real life there's just: now or never, all or nothing, whole hearts and shattered ones.

April Thirty

Writing usually comes easy, but for the first time, words are not enough.
When I say something, it usually comes in this huge wave of details.
But when is saying ‘too much’ too much?
I don’t believe in love at first sight, I still don’t; but I swear, I felt something the first day I met you. And I could have sworn you felt it too. But then again, our minds often play funny tricks.
So I don’t know about you. I basically had my feelings painted all over the wall for you already. I’ve been beyond obvious.
I tried to get over you. I wish I can keep trying.

1: How it all begun

It was the start of spring when I first met you. A common friend has hosted a barbeque party one Saturday afternoon and introduced us to each other. I was still 16 then, while you were turning 18. At the time, I pretty much despised everything around me. I wanted to give up on life. I had no interest in anything at all. Just a few months before meeting you, I had my life all planned out. I knew where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, and what seemed to be my purpose. But change took every familiarity away and left me with nothing. I was so lost, and just a complete mess. Even my reflection looked like a stranger to me. So when you walked into my life, I just didn't give a damn. Like what everyone else has been doing, I thought you will also talk me into accepting change. I thought you were also going to assume that you understand the pains I'm going through. But I thought wrong. You didn't even ask about how I was feeling. You didn't ask any questions. You just acted as if you've known me since forever. Then very swiftly, I became comfortable around you. And before I even realized it, you made me welcome change. When you came, life became better for me. So much better in fact, that from then on I can no longer seem to get you off my mind.