Sobriquet

I hate being an outsider.

I hate looking at them knowing I'll never be part of their group. I hate looking at my half-siblings knowing they're not even aware of my existence. I hate how I have to look at them with so much longing... filled with great hope... insistently wishing that maybe, one day I wouldn't have to be invisible anymore.

Jake.
I was with my mom when I first saw him. I was 14 and he was 16. I didn't know who he was, not until he got off the bus and my mom told me everything I needed to know about him. To me, that day meant everything. I had the chance to open another door that led towards my estranged self. To him, that day meant nothing. I was just a stranger... am still a stranger. That's all I ever was... ever will be?

Hannah.
I attended my cousin's graduation for two reasons. One being, I wanted to be there for her. She's one of the few people I trust. One of the few people who have seen me through my different facades. Second, I knew my half-sister was going to be there. I wanted to see Hannah. My curious nature wanted assurance; that like me she is real. Or that I am real because she is real.

Hannah and Jake. The rest are nameless.
It's pointless to remember names when you can't even put a face to it. A name is just one of those fake barriers we put on ourselves. I can be Anna today. Martha the next. I can be called anything, but that will never describe how I am like as a person. When my dad told me I have 7 half-siblings, and he gave me their names, I discarded the information as soon as it landed in my short-term memory. What's the use of names when I don't even have the faintest clue of how they look like. Call it a lack of imagination. But I don't need security from people I haven't seen.

It's father's day today. My dad's name is Chris. My mom used to call him Richard. Maybe his full name is Chris Richard. I'll never know because I never really got the chance to know him.

Happy Father's Day Chris Richard! Chris... Richard. Whatever your name is.