Intoxicated

Last night, I had to fight insomnia once again. But really, it was more like fighting with you.

I hit the bed at around 11 at night. Yet my mind stayed awake until 2 in the morning. Memories of you played on endless repeats in my mind. I couldn't make them stop. I didn't try to make them stop. I wanted you to be my last thought before I fall asleep. So, I tossed and turned, and searched for comfort from cold pillows. I got up several times, and went back to bed constantly wishing I'd find you hiding beneath the blankets. But I couldn't find you anywhere. All I had were obsessive thoughts. All I had were fantasies.

I got myself a hot tea, and hoped for some temporary warmth that would last for the night. But that didn't give me the warmth I needed. It was too fake. It was such a die-hard imitation. I needed much much more. I needed the real you. I needed your arms wrapped tightly around me.

It was just really hard to stop thinking of you. You are like this dark chocolate I can't seem to get enough of. The more I try to resist you, the more my mind longs for more. You just have the right mix of edge and sweetness that makes me so addicted to you.

The rest of the night consisted of lame attempts to get rid of you. I tried to think about other things. I thought about high school, my friends from back home, past relationships, travel, etc. Anything that didn't have you in it. But there were always holes in my loop of thoughts. Everything led me back to you.

Eventually, I surrendered. I gave myself permission to continue thinking of you. And by the time my mind gave in to exhaustion, I settled on to one memory. I thought about that one night I caught you staring at me. Your eyes looked straight into my soul and told me that I'm not as I delusional as I appear. And the jade in your eyes told me that my heart is just in the right place. It told me that my heart is exactly where it's supposed to be. That you are the only one for me and I am the only one for you.

...and as my last conscious thoughts of you slowly faded, I eventually found myself in dreamland. I dwelt in unconsciousness. I conquered insomnia... but I know... I know that there was still this big part that remained to think of you.

: For Gavin