Find me.

I'm lost. As lost as every other soul in this world. But I don't want to fit it. I don't want to blend in the darkness and be like everyone else. I want to stay in the light, stay here until I go blind and see nothing else.

I'm lost. But I don't need anyone to save me. I am my own saviour. I'll drag myself down if I want to. I'll pull myself back up when I have to... I'll repeat my mistakes until I finally learn from them. I'll let bruises form over healed wounds, until there's no more room left... until I really have to find myself in my own mess.

I'm lost. I can't seem to find the answers to any of my questions. I keep running back to where I left off. I can't seem to find balance, something always topples me off  to the edge. Reason always seems to question my sanity. Reason never makes sense.

I'm lost. I am not sure why I'm here for. I find it hard to believe in my own words. I only seem to embrace all the lies. I am constantly running after something real. And I am always left with the hollow centers of cold air.

And I'm lost. But I'll go out my usual way just to go find you. Just to find the other half that will keep the perfect concept in my mind whole.

Beautiful disaster

She has never been sure of anything. But she keeps moving along anyways, hoping she would bump into someone who would be kind enough to lead her to the right way. She keeps hearing the same stories over and over again - of how her life would be so perfect if only she would learn to make the right choices. But she never listens. She wants to hold on to her fragmented self - and hold on to the few things she is certain of. But they keep begging her to let go. They keep saying they only want what's best for her. But how could it be the best, when whatever it is they are trying to do is only hurting her. She just needs someone to trust her, so she could begin trusting herself once again. She just want to show the world what she is capable of - that she is not just any other damaged girl searching for her place. She has found her place, she just wants the world to let her be. She just wants the world to see her for she who she is - with all her imperfections, fears, and bruises.

Consequence

She picks herself up from another fall. She looks around, and sees the speeding world walk past her. She's in the middle of everything, yet again. Trapped in the center. Trapped in a world she never wanted to be part of. It's all so clear, but not clear enough. Nothing's enough. They are all trying too hard to impress her. Trying too hard to catch her attention. And she doesn't need any of that. She just needs one thing. Just that one thing, and nothing more. She needs the truth. To find the reason behind her existence. To know why he left. And to understand why she still feels alone even after all she's been given.

She is a mess. She feeds on other peoples' miseries. Their pains make her strong. Their tears make her smile. She steals their hearts, and leave them into pieces. Her heart's been tainted with grief. She knows not to love. She knows that once she does, karma will come crashing down upon her. She knows the consequence. So she keeps running away.

She runs as fast as she can, but never fast enough. She always falls behind. Life is always ahead of her. Life always finds a way to bring her back to reality. Back to where she belongs. Back to the scary world of love. She always ends up running back to where she keeps trying to run away from.

I want to make the world run

Control you might call it a life-long obsession, within a year we're already throwing fits, trying to control everything and anything that touches our lives. Our addiction to control starts early and it doesn't end there. The terrible two's, the teenagers, our whole lives are a constant battle between what we want and what stands in our way. Control -- it's a dangerous obsession; take it too far and you could risk losing it all-together. There comes a day when we suddenly realize that the control we seek will forever remain just outside our grasp.

- Being Erica

My words, his pictures

The world is filled with strange but beautiful creatures. They look at you with their big black eyes, they peer through your soul, read within your intents, and try to understand you as you also try to understand them.
 

We file our boxes on top of each other, pushing out those who have weak hearts and little faiths. Our hearts are tainted with green, we always want to get ahead, we want to be the best, no matter the cost.
 

The mists of uncertainty will sometimes block our paths, and all we can do is run through the railtracks and wish that one day everything will clear out. Or if not, at least gain the power to see amidst all the blur.
 

 

Plant your home in the wilderness, where there is only the music of nature, the flavour of fresh oxygen, and the persons you love. Plant your home away from all the present dangers: corruption, wars and terrorism, away from the harsh reality, away from the dying race.

 

I promise I'll leave everything behind. Now that I have you, nothing else matters. Let's stay here, where we belong. We now have the sky and the stars, we can forget everyone else.
 

Pictures belong to: A Separate Reality

Leave me your stardust

 I don't know what will work. This I'll-give-you-space-thing is not working well for me. Your absence is only giving my mind another chance to revisit our limited but precious moments together. And going down that road is like begging flame to touch my bare flesh. I know I shouldn't be there, I know I should direct myself to a better path. Yet, I can't seem to move myself from where I'm standing. My feet are glued to the ground. I don't know how, but nature has become a conspirator of my heart. It's keeping me to where I want to be, but not where I should be.

Love is, and has always been, a mutual agreement. Although it has been said that one love is usually greater than the other, and in our case, I seem to possess that big share, you're still expected to keep up with me and share just enough to get us by. But when you came to tell me, I should throw away every type of feeling that exists within me because there's no point in fighting for what we have, it was as good as asking the only bright star in my black sky to give up its light. With just that, you erased the agreement we never really had.

The hardest part about moving on isn't suppressing the memories or the fear that the absence might expand into years, it's the fact that you know you deserve more, and you still settle for less. Do you think I actually want to be stuck here? I am tired of feeling overwhelmed to plain nothing the next. I am tired of trying to stay in control of myself because I know that just one word from you, just one word, and I'd fall for you all over again.

Her Appetite for Love

The taste of fish still rolls around my tongue, leaving traces of my earlier attempts to get over this phase of life. The flavour of sea had fastened itself to the walls of my mouth. Reminding me of how desperate I've been. How desperate I was to get rid of that familiar smell of you that follows me everywhere, desperate to find some sort of distraction, and just desperate at appearing less desperate.

I don't even like sushi. And I like taking my time when it comes to food, especially great food. But I mouthed everything as if it's been days since I have last eaten, as if food will leave my sight forever if I don't hurry up. It didn't matter that I had to eat something I don't normally eat. It didn't matter that I wasn't really giving myself time to breathe. It didn't matter because it was an issue of necessity. I had to do it or I would have broken down once again. It doesn't matter because my blood-pump still calls for help, and this is its only shot at survival.

Tell me what do you think of me now

That I’ve traded all my armour for a crown

Come on what do you do with me now

That I’ve taken down the mirror on the wall

And the sweet rain is ready to fall

Giving it up for you - Holly Brook

It's insane. It seemed like my stomach knew exactly what it had to do, that it had to stretch endlessly for this one time. With words unspoken, it just understood my internal demands. It knew how hard everything is at the moment, and it's helping me cope up with the change.

I have given myself a week to analyze loopholes, and to embrace the different faces of pain. A whole week to tirelessly talk about you to people I know. A whole week to make sense out of everything, why this happened and not that; why giving up is better than trying. A whole week to publicly write about you, in spite the dangers it poses. I've given myself this whole week because although I'm sure it would take a lot longer than this to get over you; this is a good start. So the stench of seaweed can linger as long as it wants. Until it finds a way to dull out my senses, until memories fade into a blur, until I'll learn to think of you less and need you less.

Nothing makes sense

What are you trying to do right now?
You're evading me, you're moving on
you're moving way too fast.
Is this what you want?
To leave me out here in the cold,
barely hanging on to memories
that never really existed.
And do you actually care
as much as you say you do?
I'm putting up this fake smile
just so you'd think I am alright;
and you don't even seem to notice.
Are you just going to let us die?
I thought we have agreed
that this is our common ground,
that it's better if we stand here,
than fall off the edge of uncertainty.
I don't understand this at all.
Do we really have to let go
if you say what we have is worth it?

He says it better than I can

You think I'm doing this to be romantic. Standing in public spaces and airing my heart out, oxygen in the blood and all that never was. I'm not doing it to be romantic. I'm doing it because it's fucking necessary.

From: I wrote this for you.

It ends here.

 I'm on the road
To who knows where?
Look ahead, not behind
I keep saying
There's no place to go
Where you're not there
On your rope, I hold tight
But it's freeing 

Prodigal - One Republic

I'll wait until reason walks side by side with the music, until my mind finds a way to block every distraction and focuses on the rhythm alone. I'll wait until I am one with the song, and the message that lies behind it no longer bothers me. I'll wait until everything here makes sense. Until I am convinced that you are definitely worth the sacrifice. That not a word was wasted when I tried to explain what you mean to me. Because when it comes to love, we each have the right to interpret and express it according to our own chosen way. Regardless how ridiculous, corny, out-dated, or complex it would appear to other people.

And for what seemed like the first time in several years, in spite the heartache that went along with it, I felt real.  The pain has taught me what it's like to have a purpose in this world; how amazing it feels when you recognize that you are capable of caring for someone other than your own. That although you'd want nothing else but to keep your heart safe, you'd much rather see that that other person is holding out his end just as well as you are, or better. Because suddenly, you realize that the best kind of happiness depends on the happiness of those you care about.

We have agreed to surrender ourselves to the game, without declaring anyone the winner. We have agreed that it's better to keep things the way they are. Because the odds haven't been on our side, right from the start. Because it's better to evade from what we feel than to lose each other for something so uncertain. Because there's no need to hurry, what's meant to be is meant to be. Let fate unravel itself to us. And I'll wait until I am one with the song... until fate is one with me.

Don't call me baby

All persons entering a heart do so at their own risk. Management can and will be held responsible for any loss, love, theft, ambition or personal injury. Please take care of your belongings. Please take care of the way you look at me. No roller skating, kissing, smoking, fingers through hair, 3am phone calls, stained letters, littering, unfeeling feelings, a smell left on a pillow, doors slammed, lyrics whispered, or loitering. Thank you.

From: I wrote this for you.

Everything's going to be okay

If you truly love something, let it go, it'll come back if and when the time is right.”
Katie Schrimsher

He taught her how to live today

She surrendered herself to the magic

laced beneath the world of language;
allowed her feelings to translate
and her heart to dictate.

The moment she blew
her dusts of love into the sky,
she's already heard of the fire-breathing dragon
that could turn her passionate words into
hollow intentions and meaningless whispers.
...the moment she found the tails of the rainbow
she was aware that her pot of gold
could turn into standard copper
with just a touch of her fingers.

She knew the dangers
she was getting herself into.
She knew that running too fast
could sometimes land you to a fatal blow.

The moment she told him
he's everything she ever hoped for,
she knew night could easily paint
her blue sky to pitch black;
and she knew she could lose him
right then and there.

But she also know that, sometimes,
we have to set our fireflies free
and watch after the trails they leave us with.
So we could think to ourselves that at one point,
we held their light, while they embraced our dark.

Not everything ends up
exactly how we want them to,
but everything turns out
exactly the way they should be.

I surrendered myself to him,
and got back what I just needed:
my life to live.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

I hear black, I see white noise

It's now hard to keep track of what's important and what's not. The world I used to know is sliding past my oily fingers: shifting contours, encouraging distrust, turning pleas of hope to white noise... and everyone seems to be in a hurry, it seems wrong to request time to slow down. I am not sure if I still have the right to take things slow. It looks like I am left with only one option: to immediately adjust to this fast-paced society. There's no time to second-guess my heart. No time to wait around for love. It's time for doubt to leave.

But doubt is, oftentimes, my only friend. When the truths have given me nothing but heartaches, and lies have only given me empty promises, doubt is the one thing that keeps me together. Doubt understands my unwillingness, and allows me to give up only those pieces not that hard to sacrifice. Whereas truth is more severe, and insists I abandon the ones I can't live without. While lies only manage to satisfy me for a short while, and shatter every part of me the moment reality reappears.

I consider a few people my friends. I turn to them when life refuses to treat me fair, when I couldn't make sense out of anything anymore, when my mind evades reason, when I need to validate my worth... when I need to know that I'm never alone. I turn to them, because although I'd like to assume I can face life on my own, I still need someone to cheer me on, someone to constantly tell me that I'll be okay, that this too will pass.

But with everything around me moving so fast... anyone can just come and go whenever he or she would want to. I can no longer tell which ones are worth keeping.

We have been taught that love hurts so we have learned to walk away from our hearts, that nothing good will come out of lying but we have to keep a part of the truth to ourselves for the sake of self-preservation, that we have to hold our feelings back but to continue moving swiftly.
We have been taught a million different things, and I no longer know where to lay my trust on.

This world is moving too fast. Everything is just a blur. Maybe if we slowly slow down, we'd finally see the treasures that have always been staring us in the eyes. Maybe if we slow down, we'll find love again.

One day you'll stand again

Move on and forget.
Let the pain flow;
let the pain go.

Set yourself free,
look around you
and you'll see
that not
everything
is tainted.

The sun
will continue to smile.
Colours
will continue to shine.
And strangers
will keep our hearts warm.

Move on and forget.
No matter how hard
it would seem.
No matter how much
of yourself you'd need
to surrender.

Move on and forget.
Rise up, and be brave
do whatever it would take
to erase the hurt.
Do whatever it would take
to find yourself again.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

Lull me to sleep

Rock a bye baby
I'll sway you 'til you sleep
close your eyes
and we'll say goodnight.

Dream of little fairies
ask them for a wish
wish and pray that someday
you will find true love.

Rock a bye baby
life is better when you're young.
Rock a bye baby
Just sleep tonight.

06/08/09
© iris@journalsofanaddict.june2009

And you're my silver lining

Oh, tell me what am I feeling
Oh, it's hard to explain
Like underwater breathing, swimming in rain

Breathing Underwater - Marie Digby

Look close,
your face is changing.
Like most its only aging from all these tired tears.

Are we different - Priscilla Ahn

Say nothing, and I'll give you everything

Just like how I had to avoid bacon, after having had too much of it for the past couple of weeks, and just like how I was told to minimize listening to Boys II Men songs because I was showing signs of the love-song-effect syndrome, it seems like Jason has finally had enough of my constant whining and has decided to move on with life without me. Either 'too much' is just not enough or 'too much' has just become way too much.

So I may have mentioned several unnecessary and absurd little things to him. Although he insisted that he knows the value of pi, that its 3.1416, I chose not to listen and repeated the information to him over and over again anyways. I may have also accused him of stealing my bags of dairy milk, even though one night he hesitantly whispered he is lactose-intolerant. And I may have claimed to love the colour green when I actually prefer the shades of the cornflakes. And I may have praised him: that his hair looks magnificently glossy in the light, without really meaning it, just because I wanted him to compliment me. And it may seem like I have told him way too many things, when I have in fact kept all the good stuffs to myself. And it may seem like I loved him too much; although in reality, I never really loved him at all.

You say 'I love you' on your first date and you're suddenly considered desperate. You willingly share your feelings to the world, leaving you with an inadequate level of mystery, and everyone will think you're just an easy prize. And hence, they will put you last on their list.
At one point in our lives, when the smell of blood and the beauty of victory determine the game, we all yearn for things we can't have. We fancy those who are taken. We all play hard-to-get.

When I told Jason 'I may be falling for him', just like how Eric once told me that he wants me in his future, like a little kid who suddenly discovers that his favourite toy could actually talk, he runs away from it. Because once a mind starts to speak, the heart is always next. And once the fantasy of the unknown slips past our fingers, we eventually realize that there's no point holding on to the magic anymore. Once you get your answers, once doubt escapes the room, that's pretty much life's way of asking you to let go.

Love is strange, and she loves the strange

Romance can be risky, perplexing and filled with the perils of miscommunication -- and that's if you aren't ADAM, for whom life itself is this way. In this heartfelt romantic comedy, Hugh Dancy..Romance can be risky, perplexing and filled with the perils of miscommunication -- and that's if you aren't ADAM, for whom life itself is this way. In this heartfelt romantic comedy, Hugh Dancy (The Jane Austen Book Club, Confessions of a Shopaholic) stars as Adam, a handsome but intriguing young man who has all his life led a sheltered existence - until he meets his new neighbor, Beth (Rose Byrne, Damages, 28 Weeks Later, Knowing), a beautiful, cosmopolitan young woman who pulls him into the outside world, with funny, touching and entirely unexpected results. Their implausible and enigmatic relationship reveals just how far two people from different realities can stretch in search of an extraordinary connection. --© Fox Searchlight

Trailer

A trajectory turn

I wear my scars as if they are my medals. As if everything you need to know about me is reflected through them. As if life gets its meaning from my battered and miserable past.

"Human condition makes us want to share only the best of ourselves, because we are always searching for love and approval." - The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

We edit our thoughts and feelings a lot more than we should; because we are all secretly scared that the truth might accidentally flow out of us, that the judging bright lights would then eagerly reveal our ugly imperfections to the rest of the world. And then, everyone will realize that we are not as brave as we often claim to be. And that like everyone else, we are just as needy and delicate as newborns are.

The more we learn about what's around us, the more we realize that we get more than one option, and so we learn to take fewer risks. Because it is often easier to let things pass us by, than to let go of something by choice. And it is just so much easier to take pride over things that ended up the way we wanted them to, than to take responsibility for those that didn't. We like to pamper our egos as much as we can, because we all know how difficult handling a bruised ego can be.

~
Writing scares me at times because words often have a life of their own. They tend to help me unravel a part of myself that even I am not aware of, and they often lead me to a place where I've never touched before. And words sometimes add on to the wall I've been building, and they sometimes shatter it down. I just have no control over them; they are the ones who put out the commands. I am merely their medium.

~
And I am beginning to see that giving up a part of me is not such a bad thing. That it's okay to be hated every now and then. That it's okay to accept change into my life. That it's okay to lose certain things. That it's even okay to stray away from the beliefs I've grown up with, and create new ones along the way.
In the past years I have been so afraid of change because I was worried that the people I care about will leave the moment they realize that I'm no longer the person I once was. I wasn't ready to give up everything I've worked hard for. But now, I see that the ones really worth keeping are those who continue to welcome me into their lives even after the several failures I have had at finding my true self. And now I see that starting all over again does not mean leaving all of your old self behind, it only gives us an opportunity to change for the better.
And Yes, 'the only constant thing is change.'

I often plan my tomorrows, thinking that it would be best to know which roads I'd have to take, what are waiting for me, and what I could do to avoid likely disasters. I hate not knowing. And I hate not having control. But planning the future is like shooting a moving target. You could only hope you're running fast enough to be able to hit it right on the dot.
And now, I finally see that there's really no point in planning for something that might never even come. What we can do is plan for the present times. To live our days as if every second counts. Because we only really get one chance, and it's either we give our all to love today, or to completely say goodbye to it.

And it's so much easier to say things than to actually act on them. Because words help us create a world much better than reality. Words can turn us into beautiful, wiser, and braver individuals. And staying in that perfect world is like finding a well in a dry desert. You would want to stay there, and forget about the thirst; to forget about everything else.

Story of boy meets girl

It's been a week since I saw '500 Days of Summer', but scenes from the movie keep visiting my thoughts that it somewhat feels like it was only yesterday when the lives of Summer and Tom touched my heart. There are a number of reasons why I can't get their story off my mind. Let me start of by saying that the movie is not just a love story; rather, it's a story about love. The movie begins with Tom's frustrations after his break-up with Summer, and how he tries to relive their 500 days together to try point out where he went wrong. The movie goes back-and-forth: from the very first time they met, to days without Summer, and over again. What makes the characters so believable is the fact that in every relationship, we've all been Summers and Toms at one point.

Just like Tom, we know that break-ups could indeed feel like the end of it all. And sometimes, the only way to find peace is by obsessively thinking about that one person, and reminiscing past memories so you can dissect the things you may have missed or failed to do. Just like Tom, we know what it feels like to give your all and to only get your heart broken in the end. It's not easy. Some people just get stuck in their misery and never move on.

But there are also Summers in every relationship. The cynic: who is just afraid of love. Who wants to give love a chance, but holds herself back every time opportunity permits. Who isn't really sure of what she's looking for. But is at the same time, just waiting for the right person to assure her of things she's never certain of.

Aside from the connection we all get from Summer and Tom, the movie is composed of so many memorable scenes that you can't help but be drawn in to its every detail. One of my favourite parts is the 'expectations vs. reality scene'. We each have our own notion of what love is supposed to be like. We have come across people who have warned us of how difficult love can be, and how wonderful it could be at the same time. We usually base love on books we read, songs we listen to, and from movies we always see. We create ideals, and we tend to create expectations in our heads. And one day we just wake up, realizing that things never really turn out the way we want them to.

The movie 500 days of summer brings us back to the sometimes-forgotten-world of people we meet everyday. It helps us see the kind of love that real people share amongst each other - that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Some last, some just don't; and there are always awkward moments in-between.

I could go on all day talking about how wonderful this movie is. But before I ruin the movie for you, head to your nearest theatre and check if they have it. This is definitely worth your every penny. And if you're also a sucker for good movies, this one would surely top your list.

But before I leave, let me just share one line that I absolutely love:
Tom's best friend: "Robin is better than the girl of my dreams, because she is real."

Je veux dire juste merci vous.

And it's enough
to know that you'll always be there;
that you'll just be a call away
that no matter what happens
we'd find a way to make things work.

And it should be enough
to always hear your voice amidst
every song I listen to,
to see your smile every time
sleep pays me a visit,
to know you're soul still walks with me
even though you're far away.

And it should be enough
that I have you in my life,
that you're always there whenever
I'm in need of someone,
that I can go to you
when everything is just falling apart.

Because all you've done for me
is more than enough.
And I should just be grateful for what I have
than to keep wishing for things I don't.
Because you've done more than enough,
even at times when I didn't even deserve you.

And even though I don't show it enough,
I feel really blessed to have you in my life;
and thank you for letting me see
that nothing is ever worthless
and that everything in life
is worth our time.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

Reason can be poison

I'd rather not breathe if breathing now means inhaling memories of you and slowly slipping into this bleak hole of madness. I've already tried placing reason in front of the demands of emotion; but my heart's steering the game, and it won't let anything or anyone get in its way. All I see are the imaginary lines I've built: purposely holding me back to prevent any further damage. Thin white lines that point out the things you haven't done, and which make you less worthy for the chase. Because these flimsy lines are my excuse. I need something that will show me I am definitely doing the wrong thing that we are not meant for each other and what I'm doing is suicide. But whenever it seems like I've finally found my answer, life snatches everything away, and leaves me feeling more confused than ever. I am lost, and I'm no longer just tracing the paths of an unending cycle, I now breathe, taste, and live the cycle.

Opus: Use Somebody by King of Leons

The joke is on me

Isn't it funny how
you're only feeding me words
yet here I am thinking
you're bringing me flowers?

And how come I can hear you laugh
through this deafening silence,
and I see your smile
through this blinding darkness?

Also, tell me:
Why did I turn left
when you clearly said right,
and why did you go away
even after I begged you to stay?

Isn't it funny how
I'm seeing things
which were never there,
and I'm hearing you say lines
which were never spoken?

And why did you have to pretend
to walk towards me,
but turns the other corner
just when we're faces apart?

Seriously, why am I still here
waiting for you
when reason tells me to move on
since this is undoubtedly
breaking my heart?

Isn't it funny how
I can't simply get over you,
because I just can't,
and yet you don't even have to worry
about a single thing
because you don't need to worry
about getting over me?

Funny how the joke is on me.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

Something to hold on to.

I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Whether it's your shadow, a sign, an evidence
that what we shared was real,
that you were real
and if I am real
because you're a part
of my life.

Sometimes, it feels like
I'm chasing
a fading light -
just a flicker of hope -
the closer I get
the faster
and further it moves
away from me,
away from us.

I just need one thing
to hold on to.
One promise, one star, one heartbeat
to guide me
to the right path.
Because I don't know
if you're the one.
And I need to know
what I'm still waiting for.

So, please give me
something
to hold on to:
just say that one word,
that one line,
and let me see
that you could actually
be the right one.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

The Rules of Life

Maybe one day, I'll finally get the chance to brace life with no fear. Do impulsive things just for the fun of it. Get wild and crazy: dye my hair with colours of the rainbow, go bungee jumping, eat exotic foods (worms, cockroach, etc? Uhm, eww), climb Mt. Everest, crash someone's prom or some strangers' wedding, administer my own concert, get really really really wasted, and so on. As the cliché goes, 'We only get one life. We better make the most out of it.'

In as much as I want to do everything that comes into my mind there are, unfortunately, rules I still have to follow. Like what my mom always tells me, 'While you still live in this house, you have to do everything I say.' I believe in the relevance of rules. Rules help set the pace of our lives: when to speed up, and when to slow down. The only thing I hate about rules is that, they sometimes restrict me so much that in the end, I never know what to do anymore. In trying to conform to everyone else, I sometimes lose sense of self that I just end up confused and annoyed.

Rules can only do so much for us. Eventually, we have to let loose, and just let go. No one would want to stay behind bars for too long without wishing to feel the breath of the sun on their skin. Rules are good for us. But they also act as boundaries. And they sometimes limit us from reaching our true potential.

I understand my parents' concerns. I understand that they only want what's best for me. And I understand that they just don't want to see me get hurt. But pain is good sometimes. Failing in life is even not that bad. Losing everything you worked hard for is also just another part of life. We need to feel pain because pain helps us see the real beauty of happiness. We need to fail at least once, so the glory of success wouldn't cloud up our principles. And losing something helps us see the things we've always had, so we can be grateful for them.

What I'm trying to say is: I want to go out there and live life to the fullest, regardless of the aches and tribulations I might come across with, just because we all deserve to. But at the moment, I am tied down. It's a lame excuse, but right now, there are still things I can't leave behind. There are things I have to sort out, for myself and for those around me. And when I leave, I want to leave with a peaceful heart.

So maybe one day, I'd finally find the courage to do everything I want to do. And who knows, maybe that's just one year or two years down the road. But one day, it's definitely going to happen. I'm just waiting for the right timing. ;)

Main message: Don't be afraid to break the rules. Just always make sure you are aware of the consequences.

Just a boy

You're just a boy:
I could easily replace you with another,
if I want to.

You're just a boy:
with dreams yet to happen,
with a heart as scarred
and broken as mine.

You're just a boy -
no different than every other boy -
who has stolen pieces of me
and doesn't even know it;
who is breaking my soul bit by bit
and can't even do anything about it.

Because you're just a boy:
you're in need of someone to fight for you
as badly as I need someone to stay with me.
And you are as scared of love,
as I am of losing you.

And you're just a boy:
I can't leave even if I'd want to.
Because you're the one and only boy
I can give myself to.
The only boy who got
this close to my threshold,
and who won my heart
without trying to.

You're just a boy:
I could easily replace you with another,
but I just don't want to.

© iris@journalsofanaddict.august2009

Writing is...

Writing is not just about stringing two words together and hoping you have made your point to the rest of humanity. Writing is about creating a life beyond words. To get a part of yourself known to the world. So that this place would be less confusing. It is about living your childhood fantasy. And excusing yourself from your everyday horrors. Whenever I write, I surrender a part of me. A part that speaks of the moment, my moments. Writing is my soul. It is my excuse and my disguise. I write to reveal a hidden persona. I write to hide all my dirty little secrets. I write because the world is a scary place, and my only peace lies within verses and rhymes. I write like my every bone and blood vessel could talk. I write as if it's the only thing I can do. I count my losses. I cherish my wins. I write about everything, but everything is not me. I write because I can, and pieces of me need to be understood. But I sometimes say things to cover up flaws. And I sometimes fabricate truths just so life would seem a little less tragic. Like everyone else, I claim to know what life is about, even when I actually only know the world I live inside my own head.

I write because my heart wants to talk and I couldn't shut it up. I write because I can't sleep at night, with all these voices consuming my every thought. I write because I was told life can be a little ridiculous, and someone needs to recount every boring detail. I write because my world pauses with words, and words fill in missing gaps, and I find answers through words.

As a kid, like every other kid in this materialistic society, I was raised to believe I must choose a profession where money is abundant. I should be a doctor. Or an engineer. Or a lawyer. Life depends on the sums of money you make every year. It depends on how fancy your car looks like; if you have the latest model or not. It depends on your designer clothes and shoes. We live in a world where greed and lust have become the main rules. And after years of trying to fit in, I finally realised that my world relies mainly on the love I find, and the love I could have.

Life is short. Everyone is going to push us on to something we're not. Everyone is going to try and change us just because they have nothing better to do. Money commands the game, but love is the soul and the beat of life. And I write because living life, and to do just that, is what I aim for. I want my experiences, and I want to keep writing about them. I don't mind getting hurt, because pain enables growth. I am going to fall over and over, but I'm not going to let that stop me, ever. And people can talk whatever the hell they want because this is my life, and they're not the ones living it. My pain will never be their pain. And they'll never feel the urgent beatings of my heart the way I do every time you're close by. They can pretend to know me, but they'll never really know, because I am my own person. And I'll keep writing until I give them enough to talk about.

Writing is my soul. Writing is my life. Writing is love. And I'll keep writing until time stops ticking, blood stops running through my veins, and life loses its meaning.

Heart's Confusions

It usually feels like I've done too much already. It feels like I have given more than enough of me. It feels like I should stop insisting myself on you. It would be wise for me to just give up, because there's simply no chance. In as much as I want to trust in the possibility that you echo my heart's desires, you have said nothing to confirm that. So how else can I go on? Why should I linger here still? As what my loving mom tells me, I got to move on. The grass is greener on the other side. I have to accept that you are not the one.

But somehow, I can't bring myself to raise the white flag. Because even though I am constantly hurting in the unknown, I must push through and hear you say the words. In spite the signs I've been getting, and in spite everyone else asking me to hold back, I need you to tell me that you don't feel the same way. Because unless you tell me yourself, I'll never really know. And right now, half of the odds are on my side. And that fact is all I need to keep going.

The truth is, I get easily swayed by what other people tell me. It scares me every time they confirm the fears I continue to deny from. It scares me every time they tell me I am starting to get paranoid, and needy. It broke me down when my mom told me I'm losing my mind. How can I not be scared when all this time, I've been trying to convince myself that being irrational is only part of liking someone? That I am excused for my obsessive thoughts. That all these are symptoms of falling in love. We all get a little crazy when we love someone, right?

But still, I know I've put on so much already. I don't think I've ever done anything like this in the past. I am uncovering every breakable piece. I am very slowly, letting every guard down. I have let you in, where others have tried but couldn't get close.

My mom is right; I am slowly losing my mind. I have been doing ridiculous things all for the sake of discovering what you may feel for me. And being in this state of vulnerability scares me more than anything else in the world.

What if my heart gets crushed after the fall, what then? I'm really scared. But I have to keep pushing through. It's never enough until I get the answers I'm looking for.

Promise in the Dark

by Keri Hilson



Listen

Cant count on you most of all when I really need it
Its the simple things that you do, really hurt my feelings
The more I try, the more Im starting to see it
This cant work anymore, than you believe it

Goodbye may come as a shock
Even though I love you a lot
Ive given every breath Ive got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

Listen

I just dont know what the problem is, what the deal is
Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldnt see it?
All these promises are probably how you deal with it
Im tired of hearing you say your innocent

Dont think I forgot
Because I really didnt care if youre lying a lot
Ive given every breath Ive got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

We all make mistakes
Sometimes we do desperate things
What does it prove? NOTHING
And you never do nothing wrong

Then what took you so long, took you so long
Cuz I keep, keep hanging on, keep, keep hanging on

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So dont promise me

So dont promise me
So dont promise me

Fairytale Ending: Part Two

Cause love is permanent not temporary
And it's driven straight into our chests,
then buried much too deep
to just pull out like weeds in a garden
:Permanent, Jason Reeves

I can't bear look you in the eye. I know why I'm here for. I'm supposed to surrender each piece of me to you right now. Yet somehow, the ounces of courage I saved up for this day seem to have faded away. I'm shaking all over. Why does it feel like I'm chasing a heart that's a million miles away from me? I have to gasp for air. I just have to stop, and think this over. Why am I here for again? I mean, why does doing the right thing feel so bad? Maybe this is not the right thing to do, maybe running away is. Maybe being here and considering this idea in the first place is the biggest mistake I'll ever do. I can still turn around. I can still act as if I don't need you. After all, I've lived all my life trying to act as if I couldn't care less about the world. Why stop now? Why should I let you be the one to change all that?

You're walking away. And all I could hear myself say is 'okay.' Although the voices in my head are shouting to make you stay. Although all I want to do is run towards you and hold you tight. I know I want, need, you. My heart is certain of it. But I'm too weak and too scared to completely lose control. I can't move. I can't bring out the words I've been meaning to say. I am a coward. I am an idiot; who's just hurting herself a hundred folds over only because she's too afraid to try, only because she's afraid to let herself love you.

Love. What is love? Love is a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness: American Heritage. Love is a warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion: Merriam-Webster. Love is an irrevocable feeling impossible to shake away. No matter how far I try to run away from it, it still finds me, and renders me vulnerable in the end.

I can still stop you. I can still run through the door and hold you in my arms for as long as I want. I can still declare my unrequited love. I can. But I'm not going to. Because somehow, I just couldn't move. My feet are glued, and my lips are sealed. All I can seem to do is watch you leave, and allow my heart to a torturous separation.

But seriously, just give me the word and I'm all yours. I'll jump if you jump.

Fairytale Ending: Part One

Here we are. On our own, at last. Just you and I. Away from the loud chatters and boisterous laughter. Away from the judging minds and curious eyes. Just you and I. Finally free to do whatever. Free to say anything. We are driving towards nowhere. All we got is each other, and your trusty car stereo. The windows are down, and the summer air feels perfect on my skin. The sun has just settled behind the clouds. I can see the gray undertones gently replace the trails of orange. The sight is magnificent. It looks as if Night has been patiently waiting for this very instant, and is very excited to reunite with Day. The change in colour reflects their loving conversation; as Night welcomes Day back into its arms. Everything feels and looks right. Unconsciously I say, "I love twilight, it's so beautiful." From the corner of my eyes, I see a smile creep into your face. And in an almost inaudible voice I hear you say, 'So are you.'

I suck in as much air as I could. We are stopping for a while to refuel. And as silence fills the air - no music, just the sound of neighbouring engines as they roar back to life, and friction between the asphalt and tires - I find my hiding intentions resurface my mind. I remember that I am here to clear things out. I am here to tell you everything. That I can no longer run away from my feelings. That 'love' may not be the right word yet, but I am pretty darn close to that stage. I am stuck more likely between like and love. My affection for you is strong but not strong enough to be able to say 'I can't live without you.' I mean, I'd like to think I can still live without you. I think I can. I am 80 per cent sure.

I don't really want to think about the remaining 20 per cent. I have the feeling that if I think harder, I might just lose balance and fall off the edge. The truth is, I believe that we can all move on if we try hard enough. We can all forget someone if we really really want to. It's just that, usually, even when memories hurt, we wrap our fingers around them anyway. We hold on to the pain because although it wasn't long-lasting, or it wasn't what we hoped for; at one point, everything felt real. At one point, it felt like we hit the jackpot. And sometimes, just that one moment is enough to last a lifetime. So I don't want to think about the imaginary line that's binding my sanity together. I know I can move on regardless, the question is if I'd want to.

You slide back into the driver's seat, and hand me a bar of Kitkat. You remove the foil off of your own bar, and start chewing the chocolate-covered-wafers. You give me a genial smile as you catch me staring at you. Then, as you expedite back to the main road, I can't help thinking how boring details seem a lot more interesting when you do them. A familiar tune suddenly blares on your stereo. It's a song by Coldplay. I would know because I simply adore them. It's 'The Scientist'. I can usually identify the titles of songs I like, but I'm hopeless when it comes to lyrics. "Questions of silence, silence and progress... I mean science and progress... Do not speak as loud as my heart... Tell me you love me, tell me you haunt me... Oh! Should be, come back and haunt me. Oh and I rush to the start... Running in circles, coming up tails. Heads on a science apart... Shoot. It's supposed to be silence apart", I sing out loud along with my embarrassing corrections. You try to muffle your chuckles but you fail, and decide to tell me, 'You always listen to this song, and I don't get how you never get the verses right. And you always repeat the same mistakes' You look amused, at the same time, you look just happy. I know I can never really tell what's going on in your mind. You may be secretly laughing hysterically right now and think I'm just an utter fool. Or I could be right and you are actually enjoying your time with me. I understand that we usually see what we want to see. But in the first place, why are you here with me right now? Why are you putting up with my ridiculous behaviours? And why drive for four hours just to get to where I am? I know all these could be nothing. But while we are both still wandering around uncertainty, all these could also mean something.

Stop

Back at one.

My guts are hurting. My chest is burning. I am damaged everywhere.

I need to pull myself out of this. Away from this addiction. Far from you. I need to bring myself together. Like what reason tells me, I need to move on. There's no point holding out for someone who'll never look my way. I have to stop wanting something I can't have. I need to break free from all the misread signals, ridiculous fantasies, and obsessive thoughts. I need to completely ignore the deranged hammerings of my heart. I need to let you go without adding shame on myself. I need to set you free with no mention of my absurd affection. Because after all, I still deserve so much more. I deserve a guy who would be brave enough to make the first step. I deserve to have a guy who shares what I feel.

But like always, my emotions are stubborn. It wants to take another plunge, and drown in the sourness of life. It wants me to take one more leap of embarrassment, and tell you that I'm crazy about you. It begs for one more chance. It begs to give you another chance. Because as slim as the possibility of you feeling the same way, somehow, in the deep recesses of my heart, I feel that your heart is in tune with mine.

You are the drug that is spoiling every piece of me. You are exactly what I was told to stay away from. You keep me sane, and you drive me mad. When I'm with you, I am blissful. When I'm with you, I forget about the world. And when you're away, I just feel so lost and helpless. When you're away, I have to fight off these irrational cravings to see you again. And every time I try to release myself from you, I bounce back and fall even deeper.

In this combat of reason versus emotions, I find myself stuck in the middle. I just can't decide. In as much as I want to walk away and pretend as if none of my preposterous feelings ever existed, I don't want to miss out on what could be something beautiful.

Help me decide. Or better yet, is there rehab for this kind of addiction?

Have mercy.

Opus: Consequence by Notwist

I asked for 3 signs

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One:
"A soul mate... that feeling won't ever go away. It isn't possible. I know this for a fact. He could be a million miles away, and trust me, he is feeling a deep, deep, deep longing in his soul for you, too. Whatever it is that is keeping you apart doesn't diminish the feelings. A soul mate is different from earthly love than can be changed by circumstance, time, age. It's very different." - pg. 328 Freudian Slip, Erica Orloff

Two:
"Why do we have to listen to our hearts?" the boy asked, when they had made the camp that day.
"Because wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."
"But my heart is agitated," the boy said. "It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and its become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I'm thinking about her."
"Well, that's good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say." -pg. 128

***
"My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horse. "It doesn't want me to go on."
"That makes sense," the alchemist answered, "Naturally, it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won."
"Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?"
"Because you will never be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world." - pg 129
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

Three:
"Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said I would
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again"
If It Kills Me - Jason Mraz

Therapy for the Self

Everything happens for a reason. We win, we lose, others survive, some just give up... we witness various plights in this so-called life because we need to. Because for each single thing that happens, each resounds with a purpose. Most of the times, we know the answers to our questions. No one else understands us - our internal conflicts, the twinge we feel on our skin, and the voices that haunt our sleep - better than our very own selves. So listen carefully to what you tell yourself. Listen to the certainty that hides beneath hesitation. The answer is usually staring us straight in the eyes; we just got to look deeper. You know you can get through anything. You just have to believe in yourself. It's all about confidence and pure faith. Just trust that you can, and you will.

I have avoided conversations that might remind me of you, because days are going by so fast, and courage is quickly slipping away. I have been trying to talk myself out of this, scared for what-could-be another loss. But recently, I found strength. I'm not sure how long this will last, but for now, I know I can do this. I know that telling you how I feel is the right thing. And I know that honesty will never do me wrong. I just hope this is not about claiming the prize, and trying to prove something for nothing. I was fine years before you came into my life, and I know I will still be fine regardless of how things will end between us. And although my heart is never really sure of anything, I know I have to make the jump anyways. Like I said, everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'll land with a broken heart. Or maybe I might just learn how exciting flying can be. No matter what, I know I'll get through.

It is all about cognitive thinking. You know the answers. I know the answers. It is will power, and we just got to listen.

A Mess

Even breathing is hard to do these days. To relax is no longer in my to-do list. All I hear are the amplified beatings of my heart - loud steady thumps that freeze my nerves in each execution. It's a pressing note of what's waiting for me: a hazy tomorrow, and an amateur confession.

The voice of tomorrow is calling me by name. It is taunting my agitation, and mocking my feeble attempts of moving on. It tells me I have no escape. It tells me that my only option is to walk forward with my head raised up high. All I can do is to saunter until I crash into a glass wall; and hopefully, the jagged pieces wouldn't penetrate through my skin and cause collateral injuries to my heart.

Sure, I already have had my fair share of broken hearts. I should, by now, know the effective and efficient ways of easing up the damage. But there are certain things that we just couldn't seem to get our heads around, no matter how pushy we try to be. I can have as many broken hearts a person is entitled to have, and still repeat the same mistakes. Because when it comes to love, I will still wholeheartedly give all of my bits and pieces to the very person who time after time breaks my heart, and I will always love as if it's the only thing I know how to do. Working with logic when it comes to emotion never prospers. In the end, you realize that you just have to deal. Eventually, you just have to admit that like everyone else, you also become a fool for love.

If we come down to it, I've never been sure of anything. Each time I try to unravel a mystery, I usually get lost WITH it. So finding love and losing my mind is just a natural thing. So as breathing hard, and having all my nerves shut down. Because love is erratic... and I'm simply delirious.

Opus: Body Urge - The Great Fiction

I just want to hold you.

Change has been my escape. Familiarity has never been my thing. I welcome the strange, the unusual, and the new. I am use to movement. I am use to the unpredictable flow of life. I could welcome the world today and say goodbye to it the next day. Over the years, I've learned to build my relationships on once-a-year meet-ups, seldom phone calls, and constant e-mails. Having had more than 10 houses, being enrolled in 6 different schools, and moving from one continent to another in the past 18 years, have helped me master the tricky craft of being restless. I simply have no clue what it means to settle down. I am not really sure how to like something so much without getting tired of it eventually. And I am not sure how to like someone long enough to never ever get over him.

I get tired of clothes after wearing them twice or thrice. I get sick of listening to the same songs repeatedly for several hours. And just lately, I have abstained from cake just because it was showing a tendency of permanence. I have no actual favourites. Those ones good enough to even make it on my list have surely been marked off at least once. Life has taught me to only have my arms wide open for change. And in as much as I want to commit to something, I am not even sure how to or where to start. When all your life, all you've done was run away from things that matters; somehow, hints of stability become rather frightening.

All I know how to do is run away from my feelings. Whenever I find a love that's willing to stay with me, my heart immediately wraps around liberty. It can't bear the idea of letting someone tie a knot around it. I am scared that if I let someone gain power over me, I will no longer be able to go as I please. I will lose this domineering independence I possess, and once he sees past my disguises he will leave. And no one leaves me behind. I don't want to know what it feels like to constantly wait for someone to come back, even when you know they're gone forever.

I am scared to tell you how I feel because I'm scared that once I do, you will then matter less to me. I am scared because I'm not sure if I can change just for you. I am scared because I don't know how long I can stand feeling this way before my heart would start to itch and fly away again. And I am really scared because I really REALLY don't want to hurt you. But knowing my temperament, all I can give you are empty promises.

Just Kiss Her

The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.
Emil Ludwig

A guy once made the mistake by asking me IF he can kiss me. Maybe he was just being a gentleman and didn't want to offend me by moving too fast. OR he was just being a coward and was scared I'll push him away.

So what did I say to the chicken? I didn't say anything. I couldn't make myself say anything. Somehow, it felt like a trick. I had to rephrase his question several times in my head. Would I want some stranger's lips touch mine? If I let him kiss me, what impression will that give? Why the hell is he even asking my permission for anyways?

I admire the fact that in a way he respected me. He cared enough to ask, and didn't advance himself when he could have. So, I think that that was kind of sweet. But at the same time, I just didn't know what to say. I wanted to say 'Yes', but it felt like saying yes would take all the excitement away. My mind warned me that if I gave him vocal permission, then the kiss wouldn't feel right anymore. I know. I know. I always make things complicated. I never really say things the way they run in my mind. I'm twisted in that sense... and I'm a girl. Yes, being a girl gives me the poor excuse to be indecisive. (No offense meant to the girl population)
And then, when I was finally on the process of giving him consent, he said the dumbest thing ever. He asked, 'Why? Are you shy?'

Here's the thing, and I'm NO expert, but just opinion-wise, here's what I think:

1. If a girl lets you take her out to see movies and whatnot, before she even agreed on a date with you, she probably thought of how it would be like if you give her a quick peck.
So don't be stupid and don't ask ridiculous things. Just kiss her.

2. I believe that the first kiss actually tells you how your relationship will go with that person. And I'm not just saying this because I watched 'Hitch' and the movie convinced me of the importance of first kisses. But you need to know if there's some sexual connection between you two, you know? So again, kiss her and melt her heart.

3. Don't be scared to steal a kiss from her. And when I say steal, I didn't mean to harass her with kisses. But find the courage to let her know what she means to you by the way you kiss her.

4. Kiss her passionately. Let every kiss take each of your breaths away. Give her a slow and enduring kiss. Kiss her because she matters to you, and not just because your hormones order you to.

...let every kiss take each of your breaths away.

Again, this is for the sake of saying what I need to say. I'm not speaking in behalf of the female species. I'm speaking in behalf of a world I know, and in behalf of the principles and values I live by.

Bottom point is, if you like someone... don't hesitate. Just do what you want to do. And maybe, MAYBE, the other person has also thought of doing the same thing.

Have a great week ahead of you.
xxxxooo,
iris

Paint Me Your Colours

I don't write with clear intents. I don't write with customary words. I write in strange concepts that only I can comprehend. I follow a rhythm. I listen to the beating of my heart and of your heart. I listen to the silent whispers that no one else hears. I admire the breaks amidst conversations. I hear nothing and write about everything. I judge the world for all of its flaws, while I remain immaculate. I see the pains you reflect through your eyes. Whenever your body screams with terror, my body also twitches in pain. I am your voice. I feel what you feel. I ache because you are broken. I write because the world is breaking bit by bit and I'm dying with it. No one gets me, and I don't understand you either.

We are all searching for a safe solace to rest our heads on in this confusing place. I am lost and I am looking for the soul that's supposed to walk along with my reflection. I've lost sense of self. We have all conformed to the usual, to the accepted, to the ordinary. We embody everyone, but have become no one. We create the nightmares we witness every night. All the lust, the pride, and wrath have turned us into our very own monsters. I trace the paths of a stranger when I should really carve my own footprints. I live inside the corners of my head, and have rejected the outside reality. I am messing up humanity as I continue to speak in tongues that nobody ever listens to.

We all need to just breathe and observe the steady rise and fall of our lungs. We have to appreciate the dull and boring details of life. We need to let go of our differences. We need to go out there, and try things with no fear. Life is about sensitivity and creativity. It's about pausing for the sound of white and seeing the world in many wonderful colours. It's about building identity through our own undertaking. We need to start a new language, paint the world in pink and green, echo the frenzied beats of the drums, bruise our hearts then laugh about it, chase the tails of a rainbow, taste the rain, smile at the sun and to JUST have fun with life. Life is sometimes crazy and awful, but it is still amazingly beautiful.

Why I'm No Longer Waiting For You

Because the only time I say something interesting is when I talk about you. And although I'm getting tired of keeping you the center of my life, it's not like I have any other choice.

So tell me, how can I not be scared when a few days from now, I'll finally have to let my heart do all the talking. I'd have to face the truths I've been running away from. I'd have to admit that 'Yes. Hell yes I'm crazy about you.' The thing is, all my life I've put on this brave act so people wouldn't see how vulnerable I actually am, and then you came and peeled off layers of fortitude I used to hold. With you in my life, I've become just another crazy girl crying over a love I will never have. With you in my life, I am breakable and insecure.

Rejection is not really the worst thing in the world. Waiting is. Not knowing whether you've made the cut, whether he also feels the same way, or whether he's going to come after you is what hurts the most. Those intervening gaps are the real heart-breakers. Anyone still has a shot at moving on after a rejection, but how can you move on when you don't even have the slightest clue of what's really going on. Waiting takes us out for this bumpy-and-ambiguous ride that often lands in misery. And what's really sad is that sometimes the moment passes us by and everything we once considered dear just loses all it's worth.

I've waited long enough for you to make a move. I'm not sure if you did, but regardless I was probably too blind to have noticed anything. Some people say actions speak louder than words. But in my case, I need assurance from the alphabets. You can't act as if I mean the world to you and not say anything. Otherwise, I'll never know what's real and what's not. I'm sick of this guessing game. I can't keep waiting for you. So if telling you what I feel would bring me to your elimination list, then so be it. I'd rather nurse my hurting hurt for the meantime and probably get a chance at being happy once again, than linger in the unknown and ache even more.